Author Topic: Qualities we recognise!  (Read 12318 times)

Positive Change

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1008
Qualities we recognise!
« on: August 12, 2011, 10:35:36 AM »
It is strange how we are often so eager or delighted even, to point out someone else's mistakes or shortcomings when we actually have made similar if not worse mistakes or shortcomings?

Why this is so? Well very simple... how can we recognise something for what it is if we not know it first hand! For example, if we see someone overtly angersome, we recognise those similar emotions like someone pointing a mirror to our face and hence we "react" to it. Or if we find someone sneaky and we recognise it immediately because we have actually done the same previously...

Sure we try to convince ourselves we are better than others but if we truly look at ourselves deeper and with more indepth wisdom, we are but all similar beings twirling around in samsara...

Recognise our own mistakes and shortcomings and do not be too eager to judge the next time you see someone "fall". Reach out you hand and keep that tongue in check!

Well at least i try to tell myself that on a daily basis... :P

Big Uncle

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1995
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2011, 02:08:18 PM »
You know what's funny? I find people in the Dharma are generally more harsh and critical about each other than those who are not in the Dharma. There is always that undue expectation that in the Dharma center, everyone's got to be the smiling and haloed Bodhisattva. However, I do notice that there are those that use their critical views (of people) to help them overcome their problems and there are those that use it to further their own aims or to hide their own flaws.

I admit that I am also very critical of almost everybody in the Dharma center and I have noticed people who are critical about me too. As a result, I have become self-conscious of my criticism and I try to temper it by recognizing their good qualities as well. Every time I start to criticize someone, I will do my best to recall the good qualities of that person. I am not always successful with this but i do try. I think remembering the good qualities of others and not just hen pecking or focussing on the bad qualities is a good habit to develop.

hope rainbow

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 947
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2011, 02:56:16 AM »
Tough practice is dealing with people overtaken by anger and that have no Dharma knowledge to deal with it.
These people are my teachers.
They teach me compassion, they teach me skillful means.

I recently had to deal with a friend (not in Dharma) very angry at me, and that is tough practice.
But I learn so much... As PC says, it is just like looking at me in a mirror...
I learn about me through experiencing a friend yelling at me.

DSFriend

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 955
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2011, 09:48:40 AM »
As the saying goes, "everyone is entitled to their opinions"... but is it?? Is what people say facts or opinions and how can we best use it for our benefit.

I came across this article which i thought is quite interesting -
Source http://www.overcomingbias.com/2006/12/you_are_never_e.html

An excerpt below:
The idea that everyone is entitled to their opinion comes in part from our cult of democracy.   We are proud to live in a society where we all can "have our say" by talking and voting, and those who claim we do not know enough to have a useful say, we suspect are trying to disenfranchise us.   We must therefore all know enough to have a useful say on any public issue.  But that is wrong.   

A related error is the idea there are two kinds of topics: facts and opinions.  On facts you can be wrong, so you just go to experts and then believe them.   On opinions no one can be wrong; the weight of opinion is the weight of power; those who say there are experts are trying to trick you into giving up your power.

samayakeeper

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 398
    • Email
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2011, 09:14:02 AM »
I always think that I have all flaws that others have but with varying degrees from past and present habituation. I have pride, anger and ignorance and I live in delusions from my wrong observations and expectations. I suffer when the results do not match my expectations. Then I project the same to others for them to perceive me as such.


I too am critical of others and judge them from their actions, wrong or right is stemmed from my wrong perception. Sometimes when I see a mistake someone is repeating and of which I had an experience with before, I became critical and say or do things that may sound or look harsh or being judgmental. I forgot that I, too, had made the similar mistake as that person. I forgot that I was fortunate to have a great Guru who is teaching, guiding and helping me to transform. And maybe that person did not.


I will put this into my mind and put it into practice the next time. That is, to practice awareness and patience. Does that mean I will keep quiet and not say or do anything? No. in fact I would endeavor to be more vocal constructively and do more.


People are people and there is no difference that those who are practicing dharma are more harsh and critical of others than those who are not in dharma. Buddhist practitioners are just practitioners unless spiritual attainments were achieved. Thus I do not agree with Big Uncle that people in dharma are generally more harsh and critical than those people who are not in dharma


Yes, I agree with Big Uncle that I would do my best to recognize the feat, success and good qualities of others rather than to focus on just their weaknesses. This would help me to remind myself to look into the mirror first. But I would be wary and alert for others who might want to take advantage.


I may be in dharma but do I really have dharma IN me? For now, no, because I am still practicing dharma and have realized anything yet.

samayakeeper

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 398
    • Email
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2011, 09:18:00 AM »
CORRECTION TO LAST SENTENCE

I may be in dharma but do I really have dharma IN me? For now, no, because I am still practicing dharma and have NOT realized anything yet.

vajrastorm

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 706
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2011, 11:11:22 AM »
 Someone once said : "We don't see the beam (of wood/metal) in our own eye and yet see the speck( of dirt/dust) in another's eye". Yes. we are quick to see a little fault in others and magnify it innumerable times over. Yet we don't see that, in us, the same flaw has already become a character flaw.

Take for instance, the case of our criticizing someone for being late for work a couple of times and magnifying it into a serious problem of irresponsibility. Yet, at the same time, we are the one who is always not completing our work on time as promised, and every time, it happens, we always have a ready set of excuses. What we don't see is that ,by always not completing our work on time as we had promised, we are even more overtly and outrageously irresponsible!We are a walking embodiment of irresponsibility. 

dsiluvu

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1272
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2011, 03:38:58 PM »
It is strange how we are often so eager or delighted even, to point out someone else's mistakes or shortcomings when we actually have made similar if not worse mistakes or shortcomings?

Why this is so? Well very simple... how can we recognise something for what it is if we not know it first hand! For example, if we see someone overtly angersome, we recognise those similar emotions like someone pointing a mirror to our face and hence we "react" to it. Or if we find someone sneaky and we recognise it immediately because we have actually done the same previously...

Sure we try to convince ourselves we are better than others but if we truly look at ourselves deeper and with more indepth wisdom, we are but all similar beings twirling around in samsara...

Recognise our own mistakes and shortcomings and do not be too eager to judge the next time you see someone "fall". Reach out you hand and keep that tongue in check!

Well at least i try to tell myself that on a daily basis... :P

Bottom line is... work on oneself - myself... see within, battle my demons instead of others...  : )

pgdharma

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1055
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2011, 03:27:18 PM »

Bottom line is... work on oneself - myself... see within, battle my demons instead of others...  : )
Well said. We have to fight the enemy within us instead of others!

Reena Searl

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 70
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2011, 07:43:42 PM »
Every time I start to criticize someone, I will do my best to recall the good qualities of that person. I am not always successful with this but i do try. I think remembering the good qualities of others and not just hen pecking or focussing on the bad qualities is a good habit to develop.
[/quote]

I very much agreed with Big Uncle and nowadays before I jump into criticize others, I will do my best to see each individual positive strengths and qualities and not focusing on the bad qualities.
I find this method helps and lead me to have a better relationship with all kinds of people.

dorjedakini

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 62
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2011, 11:16:38 PM »
That's why in the Guru yoga of Je Tsongkhapa we rejoice with whatever Je Tsongkhapa have achieved and all his good qualities, to teach us to focus on the good qualities.

It is for us to cultivate the good qualities in us which we have either not fully bloom yet or dormant , it is also for us to focus on others' good qualities especially to those we found difficult to work with, or people who hurt us before. As mentioned before, if we keep focusing the bad point of a person, we are actually reinforce it on ourselves and it does not help us in Dharma practice as well.

biggyboy

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 250
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2012, 05:57:03 PM »
In dharma environment, when someone were to point out mistakes and flaws of other fellow dharma friends, is out of care and concern for them, if the intent is true care and not out of ego and pride.  It may seems judgemental if the wrong doer or faulter view it negatively.  No matter what it is, we are to support, help and guide each other to become better.   Along the way both parties help each other for the betterment of oneself and others toward a general goal.  Who has no mistakes and faults to begin with?  No one is free of them.  If not we would not be here and connected to even discuss about it.  Not just that, it even propels oneself to even wanted to improve and do more as to be an example for all.


Jessie Fong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 690
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #12 on: July 04, 2012, 04:33:29 AM »
If we have to focus on the negative qualities of a person, we must ensure that it is with the thought of helping him recognise those qualities and take responsibility to change.  It is always so much easier to talk of someone else's negativities than to speak good of his positive ones.

Accept compliments on your good qualities and be appreciative of comments about your negative ones.

In any environment, when we take the trouble to point out such negativites, we should always ensure it is done out of care and concern, not to belittle the other person.

We also hope that friends will be kind enough to talk to us about it and help us improve.

Vajraprotector

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 610
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #13 on: July 04, 2012, 07:16:59 PM »
Seeing the faults of others will cause us to miss out on caring for others. If we habituate ourselves with picking the faults of others, it will spill over to picking on ourselves as well. Then, we only focus on the negative side of things or a person, and overlook their potentials and talents.

Echoing what Positive Change said, every being wants to be loved, to be cared for and treated with respect. No one wants to be judged, criticised nor feel rejected. If we are like that as well, then why do we do it upon others?

If we cultivate the habit of focusing on others’ strengths and talents, wouldn’t the world appear to be a more ‘beautiful’ place? Kindness is not just about generosity, it is also about leaving behind habits of finding faults that causes suffering for ourselves and others.

This doesn’t mean we pretend that the world is perfect, we may still see our own and others’ imperfections, but our mind will be more accepting and open to others’ fault. No one is perfect and no one expect others to be too, hence the importance is for us to care and appreciate each other in order to help each other on the spiritual path.


Ensapa

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4124
    • Email
Re: Qualities we recognise!
« Reply #14 on: July 05, 2012, 06:52:05 AM »
Focusing and seeing and obsessing on others' bad qualities will eventually cause us to take on those qualities ourselves. Why? If we can gain the Buddha's qualities by meditating and contemplating on them, we can also gain the negative qualities of other people when we focus and meditate on them. It only makes sense that the meditation will work the other way round. So why waste our mental power focusing and acquiring the negative qualities of others when we can acquire the positive ones? It only makes more sense that we dont and we focus only on the good qualities on others. Also, on top of that, nobody wants to be criticized or judged for their actions, yet in their delusions, they judge and criticize others, creating the cause for them to be criticized and judged in the end. If we are okay with being criticized and judged, then we can criticize and judge others. If we find tremendous suffering when we are being criticized or judged, then we should not criticize or judge others, nor should we keep a negative impression of others in our minds as it will also cause us to hold on to the negative qualities of others and in the end we cannot even form a good connection with them. What if they change for the better and our impressions did not change? Then it is a case of accusing others.

With that said, sometimes it is also important to learn from the mistake of others so that we do not repeat them. There is a difference between badmouthing and relating a story so that others may learn. There is a difference between focusing on the bad qualities of others and reveling in it and feeling more superior as a result, and discussing about the negative qualities so that we can learn not to repeat the same mistake. Often people make the mistake of either talking too much about the negative qualities of a person, or not talking about it at all. Both also have the same results, that is the mistake or negative quality will be repeated and inherited by the said persons, or by people who have not heard of that story before. If talking about the mistakes of others is bad, then in many sutras and commentaries, the stories of how the buddhist sages of the past 'screw up' (for example, Rechungpa's mistake of defying milarepa several times, or how naropa broke his Guru's instruction to not engage in debate, or how marpa missed out on Vajrayogini because he prostrated to the Yidam and not the Guru) would be covered up. The fact that they are published means we must learn from them, so that we do not do what they did.

In the end, we need to be very careful of our motivation and thoughts when contemplating of others' mistakes. We must not repeat them and we must also think of a solution on how to solve them at the same time it it repeats. It is all the training of the mind.