Two Senses of Self

[icy]

Psychologists talk about people who are co-dependent because they don't have a sense of self. What psychologists mean when they say a person has no sense of self is very different from what the Buddha meant by no-self or selflessness. People with psychological problems actually have a very strong sense of self in the Buddhist sense, although they may not in the psychological sense of the word. Psychologically, they don't see themselves as efficacious individuals in the world, but they still have a very strong sense of "I": "I am worthless." When somebody criticizes them, they don't like it. They get into co-dependent relationships to protect or to please this "I." When they fall into self-pity, their sense of an inherently existent "I" is very strong. Thus they still have self-grasping even though they lack a psychologically healthy sense of self.

[dondrup]

I, me, my, mine are merely labels imputed upon our five aggregates.  This “I” exists conventionally.  The “I” that we perceive when we are frightened, when we are criticised, when we are ill do not exist at all.  We wrongly perceive this “I” to exist inherently.  In reality, all phenomena do not exist inherently including the perception of “I” as above.  All phenomena are selfless or non-self.  Because we grasp at the inherently existing “I”, we suffer. For example, we feel very bad if someone criticises us because we would place so much emphasis on this non-existing “I”. 

[Ensapa]

Everyone has a sense of self and they also have a natural instinct to protect the self from harm or from what they perceive as harm. This is something that is normal and to be expected here in samsara. But when it grows to an extremely huge thing until other beings are harmed, that is when negative things start to happen. This is what we call the ego or the self cherishing mind that will bring more harm to ourselves and others in both short term and long term. If we realize that the notion of the self is but an illusion that we impose on ourselves, it would help us get over it much easier.

[Tenzin K]

We should know that all our problems arise because we do not realize ultimate truth. The reason we remain in samsara’s prison is that due to our delusions we continue to engage in contaminated actions. All our delusions stem from self-grasping ignorance.

There are two types of self-grasping: self-grasping of persons and self-grasping of phenomena. The first grasps our own or others’ self, or I, as truly existent, and the second grasps any phenomenon other than our own or others’ self as truly existent. Minds that grasp our body, our mind, our possessions, and our world as truly existent are all examples of self-grasping of phenomena.

The main point of meditating on emptiness is to reduce and finally to eliminate both types of self-grasping. Self-grasping is the source of all our problems; the extent to which we suffer is directly proportional to the intensity of our self-grasping.

For example, when our self-grasping is very strong, we feel a sharp mental pain when others simply tease us in a friendly way, whereas at times when our self-grasping is weak we just laugh with them. Once we completely destroy our self-grasping, all our problems will naturally disappear. Even temporarily, meditating on emptiness is very helpful for overcoming anxiety and worry.

[buddhalovely]

Imagine you're driving a car in the dark on a curvy road on a rainy night, and you've got your spouse in the passenger seat, your child in the back seat, and your child's friend in the back seat. You drive carefully, tense with responsibility, because at this moment you are completely focused on taking care of four people. You are not just interested in your self; you are interested in the safety of everyone in the car, and if a horrible moment occurred when you had to swerve into a tree to stop the car, you would certainly try to maneuver to take the brunt of the hit yourself, because you value the safety of the three other people in the car more than you value your own.

You as an individual barely exist at this moment. There is a car, there are four people in it, and you're the driver. You do not feel a private self-interest at this moment, but rather a shared self-interest.