Blame? Or Help?

[sonamdhargey]

I find the article below something i can use daily whenever I'm faced with such situations. I have experienced countless times and I find myself stuck or reacting in a negative way.

Hope this help you guys and what do you guys think? Does it apply to you as well?

"Blaming someone is an unjustified simplification of a complex human situation. We may disapprove of the actions or the behavior of someone, but that person himself is not “useless” or “evil.” No one is intrinsically “this” or “that” within their being. The fundamental nature of consciousness or pure awareness is neither “good” nor “bad”: it is simply conscious. The content of the mind is what colors the mind and this content depends on many factors.

The way people think and behave is the result of a web of causes and conditions that are changing naturally. This can be changed further through specific interventions. People are just more or less confused, more or less “sick,” in their mind. We need to approach people with the understanding that they are human beings who have gone through countless experiences under the influence of countless circumstances, which have conditioned their way of thinking.

Blame often rises from arrogance and lack of compassion. A physician does not blame his patients, even if they behave in ways that harm their health. Instead, he tries to find ways to cure them, or skillfully helps them change their habits. When someone harms others, he should be prevented from doing so with appropriate and measured means and also helped to change his harmful behavior.
Wholesale blame of a person or a group can lead to contempt, prejudice, and eventually hatred.
So, instead of engraving our judgments about people in stone, we should view them--and ourselves as well--as flowing, dynamics streams that always have the genuine potential for change and goodness.

The world has just celebrated the 20th anniversary of Nelson Mandela’s release from jail. When asked how he could make friends with his jailers during his 27 years in detention, he answered: ”By bringing out their good qualities.” And when asked whether he thought that all people had some good within them, he answered: ”There is no doubt whatsoever, provided you are able to arouse the inherent goodness.”

By Matthieu Ricard. http://www.matthieuricard.org/en/index.php/index/

[DS Star]

For most of us, BLAMING OTHERS is the easiest way out from dealing with the real problem or issue at hand. We do not want to take responsibility because it is harder. Everyone want an easy way out...

The truth is, when we blame others, the problem will not go away and we will still have to face it eventually.

It will be much easier for everyone if we can own up to our mistake and say sorry...

http://youtu.be/26WBT1ZdLdc
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[diamond girl]

I am sure many of us have blamed someone else before for the mistakes we made... I know I have...countless times. This is what I figured out as I matured and got real. To blame others is merely a temporary relief to ourselves. When I blame, I am actually lying to myself. Eventually, conscience creeps up on me and the guilt of blaming feels really bad. Ok, let's say some do it so well that conscience is also used to it, then believe in cause and effect. You will eventually have no one around you to blame anymore. At this point you will look in the mirror and blame that reflection. So, let's not wait till that point of no return and see that when we blame we are lying to ourselves and that we are indeed irresponsible. Being responsible for our own actions and the consequences is actually having control in our lives.

[Q]

Thank you for sharing this article, very interesting read. It certainly gave me a new insight on how people think and how we can react in accordance to help them instead of causing more tension.

As I read this article, it reminded me of an incident that happened to my mother recently, when one of her colleague lashed out at her very rudely without giving her even 5 seconds to explain the actual situation. I was furious when I heard how she was treated, especially when my mother was a very much the victim, not to mention it was in a Dharma centre and this attitude was so disrespectful to an elderly woman...

After reading this article I sort of let go of the anger that I held, after all, people are conditioned in different environments that cause them to react a certain way.... rather than getting upset with them, we should learn how to help them out of such negative state.

Just like what the Buddha said, if someone abuses us and we are not affected by it, then we don't become the receiver.

[Dorje Pakmo]

For most of us, BLAMING OTHERS is the easiest way out from dealing with the real problem or issue at hand. We do not want to take responsibility because it is harder. Everyone want an easy way out...

The truth is, when we blame others, the problem will not go away and we will still have to face it eventually.

Very true indeed. We are often quick to point our finger at someone else without reflecting and thinking about ourselves. This is a mistake I think knowing or unknowingly most of us will make from time to time.

Why we do it so naturally? (quick to point the finger and blaming others)
1. I personally think it is because many  of us are so deeply habituated to shift into this self-protecting mode by not wanting to be wrong.

2. Do not want to be responsible and take on extra work to resolve the situation.

3. We "feel" that the mistake is made by another individual hence we are not responsible at all.
 
So we push the responsibilities to others and it's easier that way, because then we just throw all the problems to that particular person/group who is being blamed, and that person/group will be the centre of attention while we are outside with the rest  rubbing it in.

I've seen this kind of situation happening quite commonly among friends, colleagues and even family members when faced with problems.

Yes, a particular friend, colleague or family members may have done something wrong. But really, what good are we doing by putting more blames on them? Asking the same questions over and over again? I think, instead of continuing with endless lecture of how things should've been done yada... yada... bla... bla... bla,

It's good enough that they know a mistake has been made, realize the damage, confess their wrongdoings. By not wasting time,we should then immediately jump in and help resolve the situation! In fact we should feel responsible for the situation if we are truly a friend, colleague, or family!

So I feel, if we can know that we do not like to be treated in a certain manner by others and we are able to observe other people's shortcoming, we should then remind ourselves very very often that we don't want to be that of what we don't like, and we will always strive to do onto others how we would like to be treated. That should be a good start I feel.

[Manjushri]

Blaming others means that we don't want to take responsibility to do the things that the other person failed to do hence gotten blamed. If we took responsibility and didn't succeed, then there is no one to blame. We blame to cover our lack of initiative or laziness, because really, everything is in our control. If it is within our control, we have a choice to make something the way we want it to to make it better. Hence, blaming shows that it is easier to point fingers than to take responsibility. Why blame when something is done...Should instead turn that blame to motivate you to succeed and achieve what you want to.

Helping others does not include blame. Helping others is going all out to reduce someone's suffering, not blaming or criticising. Everything is in our hands.

[bambi]

It depends on how someone is brought up sometimes. Some people's ego and pride are very important and that is why they blame others even after knowing what they did is wrong to save the humiliation. Its one of the worse thing to do. To let others take your fall. Nobody will respect you for what you have done. At first, you might be able to get away with it but in the long run, there is no escaping. Admitting you are wrong shows you are willing to learn and grow. And from there, people will also forgive and respect you for owning up.

[Jessie Fong]

Blaming is about making judgements about people and a way to devalue them.  It makes the blamer feel more superior while others become less worthwhile to him.

Putting the blame on others may be seen as a way out of not wanting to take responsibility for what has happened.  You push everything away, say the other person is at fault.  You dare not own up; do not want to own up.   You allow someone else to take the fall for you.

But the truth be told -- what happens when the air is cleared and they find that it was not you who was responsible in the first place?  Does the blamer get away with it?  What would you do as the victim of blame?  Do you practice forgiveness?  Will the blamer be able to look you in the eyes and apologise?

[dondrup]

Due to countless past conditionings of our mind, we have developed many fixed and wrong views about many things in samsara.  Whenever we come across people or situations which we are not familiar with we generate aversion or hatred toward those situations.  We are happy when we meet with the people and situations which are in line with our views!  And there are those people and situations where we are completely indifferent with!

We want these people to behave in the ways that we were accustomed to.  We want the situations to be happening in the ways that we are familiar with.  But in reality, people and situations are constantly changing and we are not adaptable to change.  Due to our ignorance, we blame other people or situations for our unhappiness or sufferings!

With the wisdom of Dharma, we understand we are the cause of our unhappiness and sufferings, we should not blame others!  We should change our fixed and wrong views.  We should practise patience.  We should develop compassion for others who are similarly having wrong views and help them to overcome their ignorance.

[Aurore]

Understanding and truly accepting how karma works will rid us from blaming others but instead to help others. This is how Buddhism has helped many people in times of difficulties and pain. Every pain and suffering we feel was created by us. There is no exception. Every person who is giving us the pain will experience the pain in return. Therefore, with deep understanding and clarity, one should not feel anger towards another but to have foresight of the sufferings which will fall onto those who created the pain for us in future. With this understanding and view, compassion can arise. Instead of blame, we help them instead.

[Tenzin K]

Life will continue to throw us the same lessons until we learn from them. Here are some ways to start learning that lesson you may be resisting:

1. Believe there is a lesson to be learned and consent to learn it.

This is probably one of the most important steps. Unless you’re really willing to learn the lesson, even if it feels uncomfortable at times, you can never move forward. Consent to view the situation as something that can help you grow.

2. Admit that you might have helped create the problem.

Warning: This does require you to immediately quit playing the blame game! Just consider the possibility that you somehow contributed to your current situation. This doesn’t mean no one else played a part; it just means perhaps you did, as well.

3. Take some alone time and review the situation.

I’m sure you’ve done this multiple times. It’s time to do it differently. Try to view the situation from a different perspective. Get objective and see it from someone else’s eyes.  Is there another way to interpret what happened and how it all played out?

This requires you to be really honest with yourself about your choices and actions. If you’re willing to change your perspective you may immediately see what lesson needs to be learned and exactly how to learn the lesson.

4. Let go of your attachment to the problem.

Trying to control the problem—your boss, your spouse, or your circumstances—will only keep you more attached to it and. The more you “leech” onto a problem, the more it “leeches” right back on you.

You will never be able to see the lesson or the solution if you dwell on all the little details about what seems wrong. Letting go could come in many forms: seeing the good in the person who seems difficult, accepting a situation for what it is, or seeing the other side of the story.

Any time we let go of our attachment to what went wrong or what should have happened we create the possibility of growth—and we pave the path for more positive results.

My personal favorites were step 3 and 4.  Once I reviewed my marriage from a third party perspective, I clearly saw all the things I could have done better. After that moment, I admitted the role I played, forgave myself, and was finally able to move forward.

Dropping blame allowed me to let go and move on.

Quitting the blame game and learning life lessons has allowed me to be in a loving, equal, and best of all, relaxing relationship.  It’s allowed me to build my dream career. It’s also allowed me to look at each obstacle I’m facing and find something positive to take away from it.

If you’re having an issue then there is a lesson to be learned. Learn the lesson then you get to move forward.  That’s how a game should work!

[brian]

We often blame others for things to happen even to the extend that we actually knew it is our own fault but yet due to ego we blame it on others because it is easier. But in actual fact that whenever we blame the responsibilities onto others, we are cheating our ownselves. We pushed the responsibilities to others when it is supposed to be us to take up the responsibility and not be a burden to others due to our own wrong doings and mistakes. Buddhists should work this way in their daily life and not to blame others for anything that happened, it is actually ourselves who created our own problems if we really think deeper.

[RedLantern]

According to Buddha's teaching,Buddhism adhere to their belief and it is said that human beings should take responsibility for themselves because,usually they tend to blame the outsider ,and not take responsibility for their own actions.When something is wrong,one tends to blame others or the environment,so it is said that it is easier to blame others than oneself.
In Buddha's teachings,at first it teaches mankind to take responsibility of it's own actions and consider oneself first before looking to blame others.One should not put oneself in the hands of others and above all one must believe one's own ability.One should not wait for help all the time;one has to try to help oneself first,before simply relying on the help from others.The law of cause and effect means that good fruit will result from good actions and bad fruits from evil actions.
Buddhism is not a passive practice,but requires activity and effort.

[sonamdhargey]

For most of us, BLAMING OTHERS is the easiest way out from dealing with the real problem or issue at hand. We do not want to take responsibility because it is harder. Everyone want an easy way out...

The truth is, when we blame others, the problem will not go away and we will still have to face it eventually.

Very true indeed. We are often quick to point our finger at someone else without reflecting and thinking about ourselves. This is a mistake I think knowing or unknowingly most of us will make from time to time.

Why we do it so naturally? (quick to point the finger and blaming others)
1. I personally think it is because many  of us are so deeply habituated to shift into this self-protecting mode by not wanting to be wrong.

2. Do not want to be responsible and take on extra work to resolve the situation.

3. We "feel" that the mistake is made by another individual hence we are not responsible at all.
 
So we push the responsibilities to others and it's easier that way, because then we just throw all the problems to that particular person/group who is being blamed, and that person/group will be the centre of attention while we are outside with the rest  rubbing it in.

I've seen this kind of situation happening quite commonly among friends, colleagues and even family members when faced with problems.

Yes, a particular friend, colleague or family members may have done something wrong. But really, what good are we doing by putting more blames on them? Asking the same questions over and over again? I think, instead of continuing with endless lecture of how things should've been done yada... yada... bla... bla... bla,

It's good enough that they know a mistake has been made, realize the damage, confess their wrongdoings. By not wasting time,we should then immediately jump in and help resolve the situation! In fact we should feel responsible for the situation if we are truly a friend, colleague, or family!

So I feel, if we can know that we do not like to be treated in a certain manner by others and we are able to observe other people's shortcoming, we should then remind ourselves very very often that we don't want to be that of what we don't like, and we will always strive to do onto others how we would like to be treated. That should be a good start I feel.

Exactly. It become worst when a group of people ganging up on an individual by blaming and attacking as a group cornering that individual to become speecless and paralised in fear. It is a strategy some group take to cover a fault by creating a scapegoat to take the blame. It is a lot easier to blame others just to protect that big fat ego. It is an act of a coward. Only cowards blame others and will never ever take the blame to own up and seek solutions. Don't blame. Help them instead. Help them improve by showing guidance and solutions. Help them by being honest and humble. Help them by being a good example and ready to own up when there are mistakes.

[sonamdhargey]

Blaming is about making judgements about people and a way to devalue them.  It makes the blamer feel more superior while others become less worthwhile to him.

Putting the blame on others may be seen as a way out of not wanting to take responsibility for what has happened.  You push everything away, say the other person is at fault.  You dare not own up; do not want to own up.   You allow someone else to take the fall for you.

But the truth be told -- what happens when the air is cleared and they find that it was not you who was responsible in the first place?  Does the blamer get away with it?  What would you do as the victim of blame?  Do you practice forgiveness?  Will the blamer be able to look you in the eyes and apologise?

Good questions. The blamer should be reprimanded and the blamer should take full responsiblity and he/she must know that they are caught with their pants down and own up and confess and never repeat the same mistakes especially by sneakily letting others take the fall for them.

As a victim of the blame, what is done is already done. Best practice is to accept and move on and not let the anger or grudges to engulf. Dwelling on the problem will create bigger problem. Finding solutions to the problem will have positive results.