dorjeshugden.com
General Buddhism => General Buddhism => Topic started by: KhedrubGyatso on April 16, 2012, 03:05:11 AM
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A group of palliative care doctors (doctors who specialize in care for the dying, frm illness, old age) recently got together to compare notes on what their dying patients had shared with them during the course of their many years of professional service in this field. Although the dying patient would often not express their inner most thoughts to family members, they would often readily share their feelings to these care doctors or nurses . Mostly it is about their regrets :
The 5 most common replies were :
a) I wish I’d had live my life true to myself , not the life others expected of me.
Dreams unfulfilled due to choices they had made or not made.
b) I wish I didn’t work so hard. ( mainly from patients who are male breadwinners)
Miss out on joy of children’s growth and companionship of spouse.
c) I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings, say what I want to say.
I should hv said this, I wanted to say that..but did not. Lose opportunity to allow others to understand us and our true feelings/reactions of a situation.. people take us for granted.
d) I wish I had stayed in touch with friends.
Loneliness due to not giving friendships the time and effort they deserved.
e) I wish I had allowed myself to be happier.
Happiness is a choice. Many fool themselves / in denial to project an appearance that they are happy , pretending to themselves and others.
If you are infirmed now as the fateful day draws near, would you be having the above regrets ? If not , or if there are others not listed here , please share.
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It is strange how at the time of death, it seems that most people tend to focus on what is NOT important... To put it bluntly, we are dying already why do we need to regret not having lived, or not worked so hard, or expressed more, or stayed in touch with others more or be happier... it is TOO LATE!
Focus on what is ahead and whatever has passed is passed. I believe that is the most crucial time of our existence as it helps propel us into either a better rebirth or not so good one. However that said, the life we lived pre-determines that to begin with, so live a life that is worth reflection on when at the time of death.
Best way to do that is to reflect on death every waking hour and think that is the only absolute truth in our insignificant and fragile life!
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All the regrets mentioned above are ordinary, mundane regrets experienced by people at the time of death. There is no mention of a regret about not having practiced one's religion well or a regret about not living a more spiritual life, not having prepared for death, etc. This reflects the society one lives in. It is a society that focuses on the ordinary, secular existence. It shows how little exposure most people have to spiritual practice. Most importantly, what the survey revealed is that these patients have lived unfulfilled lives. They have unfulfilled desires, a lot of dissatisfaction and regrets.
I think if one prepares for death and knows what to do at the time of death and has no regrets, that is a happy death. So, if I had not prepared for death, say by meditating and doing my practices, then at the time of death, I would regret not having prepared for this day.
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Why do we regret just when we are about to die? Wouldn’t it be better to realize now that upon death it will be too late to do anything about it? If we are merely concerned what were listed as the most common regrets above then even these regrets are meaningless! Wouldn’t it be more meaningful to regret about not doing something beneficial and virtuous now for future lives' happiness? Isn’t it pointless to regret about not doing something when we are capable of doing it now?
Hence, doing death meditation frequently or remembering death constantly is so important to remind us of our imminent death! Most people would put off the idea of preparing for death either because they believe that death is still in a distant future or it is a taboo subject to talk about at all. People procrastinate on the most important stage of their life i.e. death and rebirth. Death is not something that we should worry about. It is taking an unfortunate and lower rebirth in the next life that we should be concerned with!
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It is the really the sad truth that is reflected in this compilation of notes among these doctors. Sad because of what is stated in the points about regrets; not true ourselves, working too hard and missing the children/spouse's best years, not expressing themselves and so on.
What is even sadder that close to death, most still express self cherishing. Having not doing enough for others, their regrets are mostly centered on themselves out of their current suffering, loneliness, feeling of loss and fear of death. While there are some component of regret about not doing more for others, I doubt that the motivation is really about doing more for others. This is the result of living a selfish and ignorant life; of not doing more for others that cause their loneliness, fear etc and is expressed via regret. So we can see karma in action albeit the negative ones.
If we live a life for others, at the time near death, we would have very little to no regret. If we live a life for others, we would be content know we have REALLY done our best.
If we are spiritual, even better. Then we know that we have generated merits. We are content if our family and friends do not visit us often, we are content if they do visit us often. We leave behind everything and are ok. we have the insurance of Guru Devotion, merits and what we have done with a spiritually fruitful life. We understood refuge and karma; of contentment and renunciation; and of boddhicitta and wisdom and most important of others. We have confident, joy and we are relax. We look forward to another fruitful life.
That should be our aspiration and may we all engage in the effort for that.
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I believe those 5 items mentioned are most of the people feel and could have more but what the point just knowing it. If it’s already at the near end to realize it, do whatever you can to change for better even it just left for an hour to go. What important now is the change of the mind while you still conscious and a live.
Of course if we can realize it as early as possible the better. Don’t wait till you find out when you going to die then only you start to think “What have I done for my life?”….regret for this, regret for that, sorry for this, sorry for that……..and so on……waste of time!
Realize that we are going to die at any point of time. Believe that there are futures live, so we should not waste our time to do good for our future live. Meditate on death, every morning when we open our eyes is an extra day for us to extra meritorious work to gain more merits for our future live.
Nothing is permanent in live. So why waste time look for temporary happiness where you have chase it for so long and it is still falling you for so many time.
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I feel that it is no point to regret at the time of death as it is too late to change anything. Anyways, the 5 regrets of dying stated here are not that important as all of them only focus on one's attachment and needs. To me it seem meaningless. There was no mention of regret of not living a virtuous and spiritual life. In fact, we should be aware that death can come anytime and we should be prepared for death so that we won't have any regrets at the time of death. Knowing that all worldly attachments come to an end at the time of death, we should start focusing more on our spiritual practice now so that when death comes, we are prepared.
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You are at death's door and still want to talk about regrets, what ifs? Is that not already too late? You cannot turn back the clock and undo what you have done nor to do what you would now wish you have done. There is nothing you can do now. No point in dwelling ... If I could turn back time.
If you should continue with your list of regrets, it will make you more miserable and won't prepare you for death.
Death is for certain ... what is uncertain is when will death come?
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A few years back i met one guy who nearly die and in the crucial situation he was facing the death he realized that he had wasted his life with hard work to earn lot of money and in the time of death he could not even take single cents with him and not even his body, nothing he can take with him, it only what he did (karma) that follow him.
He is very fortunate to pass through the crucial situation. After he recovered he changed of his point of views and actions. He not cling on to just work and get money. He just works to have money and he engages in Dharma practice and start contribute to charity.
So i will say that regret it doesn't help if you do not thing about it. Regret must be actions follow to bring the opposite result as what we regreted..
If in buddhist path, then you will follow the four component power after you regret it. so regret is just the beginning of it only..
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How unfortunate for those people who lived their lives like that. Only to realize their loses when death comes knocking on their door. And it's sadder because they do not have Dharma knowledge. Always contemplate on impermanence.
Wake up and think... What virtuous deeds have I done? Always think that death is near so that we can push ourselves to do much more Dharma instead of samsaric activities and negative karma that will follow us in every lives.
Have faith and love for our Guru and protector, Dorje Shugden, for they are the ones who love us and be with us all the way!
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This question is always in my head. I know that doing the things that I’m doing now I’m very happy, is right and I enjoy it very much but because I want other things at the same time I always have regrets within me even what decision were made.
Contemplation after contemplation helps me to walk my path better. Hopefully by the time of death (can be anytime) I’ll have no regret.
We come alone we go alone. But in between the journey there is a lot to be learn. Pursuing full Dharma is good but that does not mean that one can’t have samsaric pleasure.
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If someone ask me things i'm regret most, my aswer will be not same from now and years ago. Years back i might breakdown the things i'm regret to and always like to say ' IF '. After i get into more dharma i realized its meaningless to regret. Those people whom always regret usually is a loser or not much achievement in their life or not happy at all especially when someone is dying. We can look back is to improve current situation instead of making the same mistake. So now, i ask myself why should I allow this regret to be happen, because everythings surrounding us is so impermanent and totally based on our karma. Maybe I so scared. Scared to accept my bad karma accumulation many life times ago the effect will die without warning. Sitting there feeling scare is useless, should take immediate action to change own karma by doing works to benefit others and praticing dharma. If failure to do, i believe regret will getting more and more.
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How many times do we tell or ask our ownselves whom may not have spiritual knowledge that death is very imminent in anyone's life and it could happen to us anytime in our life be it young or old. Even when it was said it will filtered and goes out the another way. Just like an upside pot. How else can we help? But we practise what we have learn and assimilate those teachings into our daily life. Setting an altruistic example for others to follow.
Everyone always think that they will not die that fast whenever we see or hear someone dies whether they are just friends or close to us....never affects many of us..(with no offense to whom may have realise the impermanence of death). Sitting around thinking there's nothing to do nor know what to do about it is just wasting of time. Just get our butt up and join in any spiritual classess and practise what is being thought. Just like when we see a doctor, when doctor prescribe a medication, nurses dispense the medication, then it is up to the us to the patient to take the medicine. How else do you want others to help when we ourselves is not helping ourselves! Get your butt out and take that medicine and help others to find that altruistic happiness.
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It's true what every has said! Why regret over mundane things, or even regret at the time of death!
Well, lets flip and take a look at the other side of the coin. If they had done the opposite.
The 5 most common replies were :
a) I wish I’d had live my life true to myself , not the life others expected of me.
Dreams unfulfilled due to choices they had made or not made.
I wish I had been smarter with my decisions, and not spend all those years trying to make it as a ----.
b) I wish I didn’t work so hard. ( mainly from patients who are male breadwinners)
Miss out on joy of children’s growth and companionship of spouse.
I wish I had worked harder to provide a better lifestyle for my family.
c) I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings, say what I want to say.
I should hv said this, I wanted to say that..but did not. Lose opportunity to allow others to understand us and our true feelings/reactions of a situation.. people take us for granted.
I wish I didn't always speak my mind. I may have offended many people.
d) I wish I had stayed in touch with friends.
Loneliness due to not giving friendships the time and effort they deserved.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my family, more than I did with my friends.
e) I wish I had allowed myself to be happier.
Happiness is a choice. Many fool themselves / in denial to project an appearance that they are happy , pretending to themselves and others.
I wish I didn't waste all my time looking for something that will make my happy.
There's no winning if you are going to regret upon your own deathbed. Just regret if you had not spend most of your life doing virtuous deeds that could have collected merits, or purified your negative karma!
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The Dalai Lama was asked what surprised him most, he said "Man.
Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."
This quote pretty much sums up the dilemma we all face at death, and the regrets that we have at death. I always like to think that if I died tomorrow, will I be happy with what I have done today, what I have done in the past? or any accomplishments/mis accomplishments I have made. Often the answer is that I would not be happy with what I had/have done. Therefore it takes full effort, to make sure that you have lived life to the fullest. It is not about serving yourself, but serving others. It is hard once stuck in samsara. I have friends who always say I am happy as long as I can do whatever I want, and am happy all the time. But what does it take to be happy all the time. I am sure in the end you end up lonely, lost, and unhappy. Inevitably we are conditioned as humans to always want to better ourselves, and our situation. So it is only human nature to never be happy with what we have, or what we have done. And this makes it very hard to die happy. I am fully confident that practice in the dharma can change all this of course, if someone would like to elaborate on how it does, please do.
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This is a very good reminder. This post is yet another evidence that virtually all of us by habit live as if Death is never ever going to come to us.
We never prepare for death and it is usually taboo to even talk about it. That shows how foolish we are to be in denial of the inevitable. And in that state of denial, we become deluded about our purpose in life.
We spend almost all our lives building something that we cannot take away with us and trying to preserve a body that is already in the process of decay. We exhaust all our energies on a series of mirages e.g. career, wealth, strength, pride, possessions and people, and we suffer mentally and emotionally when we realize at death's door that we have spent an entire life meaninglessly. The suffering comes from knowing for sure that none of the things we have expended so much energies on can help us now at the moment of death.
The difference I see in Buddhist practitioners is that Death is something they accept and not try avoid. This is especially the case with Tibetan Buddhism where reminders of death is everywhere and also in the iconography of Tibetan Buddhism.
Only in acknowledging and accepting that Death comes to us all and very quickly, we appreciate how precious the human life is. Knowing that karma is real and determines our rebirth, we will invest our precious human life in preparation of our next rebirth. We transform our mind and learn to let go of things that cannot help us in this and the next life.
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Dear All,
I think a lot of you miss the point re this article. I thought Jeremyg hit the nail when he said,' I always like to think that if I died tomorrow, will I be happy with what I have done today, what I have done in the past? or any accomplishments/mis accomplishments I have made. Often the answer is that I would not be happy with what I had/have done.'
The findings by the doctors is a reality check for us all. It is not about intellectualizing the no no of expressing regret . The caution is that , we will not die happy and with regret if we do not reverse our daily actions, habits and attitudes which continue to create causes of unhappiness . When facing death, why should we not feel regretful from the doctors' patients if we basically do the same things they are doing ?
Think of all the negative things we had done, all the bad thoughts we had indulged in ; think of all the good things we could do but did not, all the people we could have helped or make happier but did not. All that karma will come back to us at death to haunt our conscience.
Genuine regret at this point is positive and a blessing because we can do something about it , to reverse it . SImply giving an opinion about the act of regretting is not going to stop us from regretting and without a smile at time of death.
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The top five regrets will be,
1) I wish I had the courage ti=o live a life true to myself,not the life others expect of me
2) I wish I don't work so hard
3) I wish I had stay in touch with my friends.
4) I wish I had let myself be happier
5) I wish I had the courage to express my feelings
These are some common thoughts of regrets when approaching death.It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way.With Dharma knowledge it is possible to ease some of the pain of regrets.
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@Jeremyg: Without knowing and creating the right causes, almost all the things we do presently are causes of suffering. At the root of this is the ignorance of self grasping which gives rise to self cherishing. From this, all our other delusions like attachment and anger, jealousy etc arise to bring about endless livetimes of suffering. Hence , we need to study , contemplate and meditate on the dharma to obtain right view of wanting happiness. From here, we begin to stop wrong actions and start doing the right things which are causes of long term happiness. This is the start of our spiritual path to freedom from all suffering and achieving permanent happiness.
At time of death, we will not regret because if we have been practicing correctly. We will have a peaceful mind at time of death with the firm certainty that we will have good rebirths .
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It's true what every has said! Why regret over mundane things, or even regret at the time of death!
Well, lets flip and take a look at the other side of the coin. If they had done the opposite.
The 5 most common replies were :
a) I wish I’d had live my life true to myself , not the life others expected of me.
Dreams unfulfilled due to choices they had made or not made.
I wish I had been smarter with my decisions, and not spend all those years trying to make it as a ----.
b) I wish I didn’t work so hard. ( mainly from patients who are male breadwinners)
Miss out on joy of children’s growth and companionship of spouse.
I wish I had worked harder to provide a better lifestyle for my family.
c) I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings, say what I want to say.
I should hv said this, I wanted to say that..but did not. Lose opportunity to allow others to understand us and our true feelings/reactions of a situation.. people take us for granted.
I wish I didn't always speak my mind. I may have offended many people.
d) I wish I had stayed in touch with friends.
Loneliness due to not giving friendships the time and effort they deserved.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my family, more than I did with my friends.
e) I wish I had allowed myself to be happier.
Happiness is a choice. Many fool themselves / in denial to project an appearance that they are happy , pretending to themselves and others.
I wish I didn't waste all my time looking for something that will make my happy.
There's no winning if you are going to regret upon your own deathbed. Just regret if you had not spend most of your life doing virtuous deeds that could have collected merits, or purified your negative karma!
Hehehe.... Thanks Jessica, you've shown that whatever we do in our short life, we will experience regret, unless we engage in spirituality, unless we do Dharma.
So we may choose this worldly path or that worldly path and still regret that we did not choose another path, simply because there is no worldly path that does not eventually lead to deception and regret.
AND ESPECIALLY SO IF WE HAVE HAD THE MERIT TO MEET WITH THE DHARMA AND DID NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE OPPORTUNITY.
So I guess the list of regret one can have at the time of death is endless... unless of course: Dharma was practiced.
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It is strange how at the time of death, it seems that most people tend to focus on what is NOT important... To put it bluntly, we are dying already why do we need to regret not having lived, or not worked so hard, or expressed more, or stayed in touch with others more or be happier... it is TOO LATE!
Focus on what is ahead and whatever has passed is passed. I believe that is the most crucial time of our existence as it helps propel us into either a better rebirth or not so good one. However that said, the life we lived pre-determines that to begin with, so live a life that is worth reflection on when at the time of death.
Best way to do that is to reflect on death every waking hour and think that is the only absolute truth in our insignificant and fragile life!
Dear Positive Change,
It is not that the dying are thinking and focusing on these things. It is the force of their karma gathering and these thoughts arise because at the point of death, all our live's actions are recalled and the accumulated karma becomes the throwing karma that will propel the deceased to a future rebirth. Therefore, these regrets shows that the result of all their mundane actions does not bring about good results.
It is only with the practice of Dharma/spirituality that one can avoid such regrets. Remember, at the moment of death, it will be such a rush, we would be distraught and unable to do much to hold our thoughts properly and that is the time, our spiritual practice will be most important. If we had maintained our Guru Devotion, sadhanas and done Dharma work, it will be helpful for Dorje Shugden to assist us to our next rebirth. Hence, it would be good to study, understand and practice Dorje Shugden in the correct manner so he can assist us at our most crucial moment.
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The 5 most common regrets were :
a) I wish I’d had live my life true to myself , not the life others expected of me.
b) I wish I didn’t work so hard. ( mainly from patients who are male breadwinners)
c) I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings, say what I want to say.
d) I wish I had stayed in touch with friends.
e) I wish I had allowed myself to be happier.
Happiness is a choice.
I found the last regret more profound!! - I have seen so many many people who are unable to be happy! They may have nice house, complete (almost) family, their children take good care of them, their in-laws help them in childcare, they are health, no financial problems - but they are just NOT HAPPY!!
Indeed happiness is a CHOICE! Whether you are happy or unhappy, time passes and live shorten by the second! We should constantly be alert to stay in a HAPPY MODE! In a happy mode, our energy is positive, we attract positive energy hence can be more efficient!
I remember reading an article, it pointed out that when a cook is unhappy, his/her negative energy will affect the quality of food prepared. Even of the dishes are well cook and presented, but the molecular structure of the ingredients would have been negatively effected by the cook's foul mood... hence the food would not be as tasty as those that were prepared under cheerful environment.
Let's remind ourselves to be HAPPY all the time.
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I wish, I wish, I wish. If only, If only, If only. The common phrases we often say and often hear. Then when we see our friends or relatives on their death beds, we tell ourselves that we should live our dreams and plans as we do not wish to have regrets just like they did. A week, a month and perhaps a year go by and then we slip back to our comfort zones.
Let alone at one's last breath. Many people have plans to, for example, renounce secular life only when their children have married, or do charity work only after their house mortgage has been paid off, or procrastinating on something and when they are ready to do it, they are already too old and physically too old by then. And regret sets in.
For someone who has no dharma, you can understand why. But HHDL said that the main purpose in life is to be of benefit to others, not oneself. So stop procrastinating, stop justifying and just go out there and do it! As for me, i do not want to be at my death bed wishing and regreting. To put it on a lighter note, it is just too many things i need to focus on at my dying moments; the visualizations and all. I do not think I cant handle all that coupled with regretful thoughts of what I should have done and didnt do.
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... But HHDL said that the main purpose in life is to be of benefit to others, not oneself. So stop procrastinating, stop justifying and just go out there and do it! As for me, i do not want to be at my death bed wishing and regreting. To put it on a lighter note, it is just too many things i need to focus on at my dying moments; the visualizations and all. I do not think I cant handle all that coupled with regretful thoughts of what I should have done and didnt do.
Regrets, surely we have some, especially when we think of all the things we can do but didn't due to many silly excuses. When we are old and dying (if we have the merits to die naturally with old age...), we'll remember the wrongs and hurts we have done or inflicted on others merely due to our own selfishness or momentarily madness induced by our bias, jealousy, etc.
So, while we still can, we should always guard our mind, be alert and aware of our every action. Stop giving ourselves silly excuses not to do more for others. LIke HHDL said, So stop procrastinating, stop justifying and just go out there and do it!
Then on our dying bed, we can have a peaceful mind and prepare to 'go' for another new journey without regrets that pull us down.
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To me, we will only have more and more regrets if we do not use our time and efforts to practice the Dharma, because other than Dharma, what else is there that we can do in our lives that will truly be worth it? Every single thing that we do in samsara will eventually end up with regret. Why? the answer is simple: Everything in samsara is deceptive and does not lead to permanent happiness in any way. Even the happiness that we can derive from samsara is more or less a smokescreen or a lie. For example, most people think that the answer to having a happy life is to get a soulmate or a partner, but with that comes problems such as having to maintain the looks just to keep the other partner happy, and also the obligation of keeping the other person physically, emotionally and mentally happy. we have to look after that person's moods and temperaments. It is never something that is fun and easy. In other words, we are trapped in this situation. Some people regret being with a person and thus they start cheating on their partners and divorce them....which is a very bad and irresponsible way of dealing with our mistakes.
All decisions and happiness in samsara will eventually lead to regrets over time because the effort spent in samsara could have gone for Dharmic purposes and we would have long term results that will save us from regret.
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"All the regrets mentioned above are ordinary, mundane regrets experienced by people at the time of death. There is no mention of a regret about not having practiced one's religion well or a regret about not living a more spiritual life, not having prepared for death, etc. This reflects the society one lives in. It is a society that focuses on the ordinary, secular existence. It shows how little exposure most people have to spiritual practice. Most importantly, what the survey revealed is that these patients have lived unfulfilled lives. They have unfulfilled desires, a lot of dissatisfaction and regrets.
I think if one prepares for death and knows what to do at the time of death and has no regrets, that is a happy death. So, if I had not prepared for death, say by meditating and doing my practices, then at the time of death, I would regret not having prepared for this day."
I like the comment quoted above by one of our contributors. I totally agree that if we have found the Dharma and follow the words of the Buddha and the commentaries by Sangha Masters and their teachings, we would have practised forgiveness, letting go, lived our lives in full of the truth and made our lives purposeful and without the mundane regrets as mentioned.