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General Buddhism => General Buddhism => Topic started by: hope rainbow on February 08, 2012, 04:40:14 PM
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I have lost friends that could not stand my involvement with Dharma and "organized religion" and simply decided that I just did not "fit the bill" anymore.
Ciao!
Bye bye!
Asta la vista!
You want to be a practicing Buddhist and you are not free for parties anymore?
You want to be a vegetarian?
You're on your own! Have fun with your "religious" friends!
Off the list!
facebook invented a term for this: "un-friending"
Anyone wants to share about this here?
Did this happen to you?
How did it make you feel?
What train of action did you decide to take over it?
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there there :)
well if people leave you for your choice and your principles, they were not true friends at all. They were just using you for their own amusement and convenience. Real friends will never leave you or unfriend you for any reason at all, unless you hurt them badly or you did something really bad to them.
If they didint leave you, they will probably drag you down, so it is better for them and you to part ways at least for now. When we want to do something that does not harm but does not conform to their standards and they leave us, it shows that they never saw us as a real friend in the first place, just as activity partners to party and have fun with, but run away when we're in trouble or when things dont go their way anymore.
In short, you're better off without them!
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there there. there. ;)
I haven't noticed anyone un-friending me or avoiding me (yet)... probably at most they just avoid the topic on religion heheh.
but i imagine if someone un-friended me for being very involved in "organised religion"... I guess i'd just let them be.. won't blame or have any hard feelings for them for being scared/embarrassed to be my friend, because they don't know any better, and perhaps i have not been a good example to them.
friends come and go and change like the seasons...
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I know of a friend who is vegetarian because he's Buddhist. His friend "un-friended" him because he's a vegetarian! When I heard it, I couldn't believe that at this age and time, there are people who's mentality is still so primitive.
Can you imagine, just because my friend chooses not to kill for his food, he is "un-friended" for his act of compassion? I told my friend to forgive him and move on because his friend is obviously too narrow minded and petty. No point getting upset over it. My friend agreed.
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Well if they "unfriend" us after knowing that our priority is towards the dharma and have a higher purpose in life, then "bye bye" to this type of friends. It shows that they are not our true friends or real friends anyways. In fact this type of friends are like Maras pulling us away from doing virtuous actions and will drag us down.
So we should show compassion for them as they are not so fortunate to have the merits to learn the dharma. We should dedicate whatever virtuous we have collected to this type of friends that they will be able to meet with the dharma in future.
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Well if they "unfriend" us after knowing that our priority is towards the dharma and have a higher purpose in life, then "bye bye" to this type of friends. It shows that they are not our true friends or real friends anyways.
So we should show compassion for them as they are not so fortunate to have the merits to learn the dharma. We should dedicate whatever virtuous we have collected to this type of friends that they will be able to meet with the dharma in future.
Actually, the way it happened is the reason why I decided to share this story.
It happened that they became extremely defensive, eventhough I never provoked anything (not that I realised so).
So I think there is merit from their side, because they know the nature of the Dharma journey and have decided to look away from it and indulge in worldly pleasures.
When one of the worldly indulging friends sharing this behavior turns his head around and start talking about what he discovers, there a sense somehow that "we must get rid" of the guy who threatens our worldly pleasures.
Realising that our attachments, our pleasures, our made-up perfect dream world are THREATENED, we feel the urge to remove the THREAT.
And so I do not think that this reaction, the "un-friending", does not originate from a stupid mind, or else why would they bother, it originates from an intelligent mind that is able to recognize a real THREAT to attachment, delusions and ignorance.
Not that I am the thread, no, but the Dharma is, definitely.
So on one hand there is enough merit to recognize the Dharma (proven by the realisation of the threat), and yet not enough to operate a shift.
Truth always meets resistance at first.
So In a way it is good news!
And as I am now under scrutiny, I better make good of my Dharma journey, for there are still a few years left for my friends to look in the same direction as me, and see me well engaged and beaming and develop the wish to follow the same path. there is still hope and a little time left.
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But you making them uncomfortable is probably a good sign on our part it shows them u have reached a certain level that the dharma in you that they can identify with clearly either that or the physical manifestation of dharma in you is clear and apparent to them.
Well Buddhism also teaches impermanence , friends can become enemies and enemies can become friends so they can come back so why worry?
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"So on one hand there is enough merit to recognize the Dharma (proven by the realisation of the threat), and yet not enough to operate a shift."
Well if they have enough merits to recognize the dharma, then it is a good sign as all it takes is to trigger off that merit that is dormant so that they can operate a shift. Thus as friends, we can dedicate the merits to them that they may have enough merits to meet with the dharma soon. We must put in the effort to transform ourselves so that they may be inspired by us and follow suit. For a start, we can plant some dharma seeds into them and patiently nurture them but after sometime if there are no results, it's best to leave them alone as pushing them will make them turn their backs on us in order to avoid the dharma. So we have to use skilful methods of approach to deal with the different disposition of our friends.
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And so I do not think that this reaction, the "un-friending", does not originate from a stupid mind, or else why would they bother, it originates from an intelligent mind that is able to recognize a real THREAT to attachment, delusions and ignorance.
This sounds similar to people who refuse to watch videos/documentaries of what goes on in slaughterhouses because "i don't want to feel guilty when i eat my steak... i still want to enjoy my roast pork... i need my meat fix" They KNOW there's s-o-m-e-t-h-i-n-g going on before that burger landed on their plate but they don't want to face it... i.e. ostrich-ing.
But the fact that they feel uncomfy about it.. is a good sign, there is hope for them yet! Those who have watched such videos and don't feel anything, or even find it entertaining / amusing... so help them God.
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I agree with most in stating that these so called friends were not friends to begin with. They sound rather one sided and I guess one could coin the term, fair weathered friends. However, when in the Dharma we should always be an example of how the Dharma is and can be for the person looking in... hence, being devil's advocate, if our so called friends see us and are 'afraid' or uncomfortable, perhaps there is something indeed wrong with us in general and the way we behave, NOT necessarily the Dharma per se.
Having said that, I am sure HR you have friends that are supportive too. So you need to make some checks and balances and see the friends around you for who they are. Some friends come and some friends go. That is the nature of samsara and impermanence. At the same time, I would not forget about these friends. Perhaps sometime in the future (which I hope is not too late) they will begin to 'see' the benefits of Dharma through your example!
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Truth always meets resistance at first.
So In a way it is good news!
And as I am now under scrutiny, I better make good of my Dharma journey, for there are still a few years left for my friends to look in the same direction as me, and see me well engaged and beaming and develop the wish to follow the same path. there is still hope and a little time left.
Hullo Happy Rainbow
I do share the same feelings as you. After all, in a social network website, we are encouraged to make friends and not be child-like to wage unfriendliness.
However the ban has brought fanatics to a certain end in of socializing. People 'ostracise' others online too and we can very well find that what we do don't harm them and what they do just harm themselves. A sweeping statement? Maybe. But in the spirit of Buddhism, equality is a virtue to be developed over time and this is exactly what people are unable to see here.
A sentient being in hell or in the lower realms claim no deferioirty when compared to any human on the streets in the eye of the Buddha. How can we ever ostracised one single being for just believing in another 'god'.
At this rate, we are becoming more like crazy Christians going up every person's FB wall knocking and asking if they were a devil worshipper and we should condemn them if they were.
Give it a thought folks out there who are watching. How much unnecessary disharmony r u guys creating under the seat of the Buddha?
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Dear HR,
Take the opportunity to contemplate and understand the basis for developing an equanimous mind.
In the 7 fold cause and effect, before we generate the mind of equanimity, students are asked to reflect on how easily the concept of friend and foe are interchangeable. A mere word or expression from a "friend" can change the label to "enemy" and vice versa.
No need to feel pissed off for being un-friended. This person is a precious object of your practice, hold him/her dear in your heart ;D
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Being "un-friended" is part of the process of life. Ce la vie! We can be un-friended naturally and we can un-friend others naturally. We just stop communicating and involving them in our lives.
Of course in your case, as I understand it, your friends actually sat down and sort of made a decision not to invite you anymore for their worldly activities. Sad! That is actions done with motivation. Negative that is! They will be un-friended in turn, I am sure for other reasons. A sure sign of a very insecure bunch of people.
My thinking is that, as Dharma practitioners and as part of our practice, with good motivations, we need to "indulge" ourselves with our friends, to show them being in Dharma does not mean with are in a cult and we became aliens. With compassion, if we slowly show them we have transformed, we will be able to leave positive impressions on them and who knows one day, when they realise it or when they have problems, we can bring them to Dharma. Also, we can use Dharma to support them.
To me, that is true Dharma practice.
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It is true that sometimes with Dharma practice we do need to sacrifice our friends. We need to sacrifice our time with them, and we need to move outside of our comfort zone. For me, with my practice I have found this to be one of the hardest parts. It is not that I am so much attached to the idea of my friends, it's that I try to please them as much as possible, but sometimes they have to understand that because of certain reasons, and dharma work, I cannot always be 100% reliable. Some of them understand this, but others don't. To me it doesn't matter if they do or not. Whether or not they do doesn't make them a better or worse friend, they are just deluded into the way things "should be". The truth is, nothing is ever the way it should be.
In life we will, lose friends, we will make some; it is only natural. However what I have found is that my dharma friends, are some of the most understanding, most accepting, most trustworthy, and in general nicest people that I have met. To some extent I prefer them to my so called "samsara friends". Hanging out with dharma friends gives friendship meaning. With dharma friends, I feel as though I accomplish more, than the repetitive samsara acts. I have found that my samsara friends tend to repeat the same mistakes, and the same things over and over again. It just gets old for me.
What I am trying to say is that friends are friends, and in a true friendship, it should work both ways, you should add value, attributes, and benefit the other person in the friendship, otherwise there is no reason. With dharma work, or being in the dharma, we will lose friends, but out of compassion we should understand that the friends we have lost, do not know any better, but with positive changes in yourself, we can make them change that viewpoint.
One interesting thing to note, is that exploring the world with a dharmic attitude has made me much more approachable, much more understanding, and stable. In the end, I have actually strengthened the friendships with many of my friends in and out of the dharma. Sometimes we don't need to sacrifice friends, if we find appropriate ways to converse with them. I am going to be honest, I do often change my personality, to suit the person I am with. I find that even though I am not myself all the time, it allows me to get closer to them, and use skillful means to put the dharma in them. There is not only one set uniform way of spreading the dharma. Sometimes we must think of the most unique ways to. In some cases I will even act completely opposite to how I think I should act, but if it lets me get to people, in order to give them some knowledge, its a sacrifice I'm willing to take.
What do you guys do around non-dharma friends? Do you act the same as you do with you dharma friends, or do you change a bit? What do you think about changing yourself a little bit, in order to avoid conflict, and to bring a little dharma to them. Is it worth it?
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Hmm...interesting thread we have here which got me thinking...
For me it seems like it is the other way around. I have been actively involved in my Dharma Centre recently. I realized I spent most of my time there hence neglecting my friends. Whenever they ring me for drinks or a dinner date, I'd politely reject because 'I am meditating...I am in a meeting with my Dharma buddies...I am in a prayer session...etc'
Opps seems like I am the bad guy here! But honestly, I would rather spend my time doing Dharma work..if anyone tries to stop me from doing so, i'll just say BYEBYE!
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Funny how this happens to you, Hope Rainbow.
Becoming a real Buddhist practitioner means:
1. I priorize my time differently
2. I am making an effort to be NICE to people around me because I want to practice compassion (at least I try!!)
3. I quit chic-lit (haha!! yes I really did.. the last chic-lit i read was at least 3 years ago)
4. I am more relax
5. ......
The list goes on.. but this never stop me from meeting with with friends and have tea.. just that I am very selective about the company. When meeting up with friends, I will always bring in the subject of Buddhism (in a general way, e.g. compassion, helping other, be nice to others) and I find that I ended up being giving advise to their 'problems'
Being a vegetarian also doesnt stop me from having meals with friends and family. I just make sure I order vegetarian stuff and they can eat what they want, doesnt have to be in vegetarian restaurant!!!
Nowadays, my friends (especially those I have not met for more then 2 years) always comment that I look BETTER !! hehehehe...
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it never happen with me though, my relationship between me and friends still same even tho i'm not take meat and have less time to meet up with them, instead our relation is closer because i am able to share something with them when they have problem.
if it happen with me ie they anti that i'm vegetarian and not happy that i have less time for meet up with them and they know that i helping in religious organization and they know what the organization benefit other..then i will just ignore them as they are not a real friend, they just need people that they call 'friend' to fulfil their satify as and when that they wish.. very narrow mind and selfish...so nothing can change their mind when everything around them are alright.. i will be patience to just wait until one day that they have some problem and difficulty and need help.. in that time they will apppreciate and have a different view towards me and religious...
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I have lost friends that could not stand my involvement with Dharma and "organized religion" and simply decided that I just did not "fit the bill" anymore.
Ciao!
Bye bye!
Asta la vista!
You want to be a practicing Buddhist and you are not free for parties anymore?
You want to be a vegetarian?
You're on your own! Have fun with your "religious" friends!
Off the list!
facebook invented a term for this: "un-friending"
Anyone wants to share about this here?
Did this happen to you?
How did it make you feel?
What train of action did you decide to take over it?
I didn't reach to the extent of loosing friends nor did i have to choose being Buddhist over my friends. Maybe partly is because I never was a major party goer from the first place... but I did loose invitations to many parties nowadays because I'm always busy 'saving the world' as what some of my friends jokingly says.
Also, I'm don't have many friends, I don't believe in friendship that lasts only during a cup of tea. The friends that matters to me generally respect my decisions in life and are rather supportive from time to time. I have never lost touch with them and good friends never cease to support and care for you even if you only get to meet them once a year.
So when it comes to friends, it's never a problem for me. They like me for who I am i suppose... lol!!
However, family is a different story... They are not 100% supportive with me being involved in charity work, which may be tough some times... I am after all a lowly practitioner, and their remarks sometimes do affect my mind. To counter the negative effects of such type of remarks from my family members, I have made up my mind to ensure I will never waver nor give in to their wants, which is to live the life they have moulded for me since I was born. Don't get me wrong... I'm not trying to upset my family, but it is because I know deep down, following the Dharma path is one I will never regret.
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Very interesting topic. I have few friends have come across this issue of being un-friended merely because they became a vegetarian, some are not because of religion but due to health problem.
Like most of you have said, if our friends "un-friended" just because of we being more involved in religious organization, no time for them, being vegetarian etc, they are not a true friend worth our friendship. Friends are not supposed to dump each other just because we have chosen something that they cannot recognized. Mutual respect is a key to maintain good relationship.
Well, i feel that even though there are friends who "abandon" us for being too involved in spirituality, we shouldn't give up on them although they give up on us in the first place. These people are just blinded by worldly pleasure and too self indulgent which they don't realize what they are pursuing bring them nowhere in the end of the day. They are just obscured. I believe everyone has the merits to meet dharma.
These are the people we should help by leading as example, we transform ourselves to be better, show them we have made the right choice and we will go all the way. Then when they see our transformation, they will automatically be attracted to us, join us in what we are doing and eventually change their perspective.
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If you have been "un-friended", then in the first place, those people were not your friends to begin with. To be friend with another person is to be there when that person needs you, to grow together, to understand each other better.
I count my blessings that friends from my childhood days are still with me - walking to school together, playing games and going for outings. As we grew older, some of us parted ways as we were sent to difference schools. Much much later, we started to contact each other and are still trying to locate some long lost friends.
There's this girl I met in Year 1, pretty with dimples and curly hair - she became a close friend and now we still keep in touch.
I think you should not just "un-friend" someone because you do not see eye to eye with that person's choice of spirituality or diet.
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I don't have a lot of friends to start with :) Anyway, what I mean is, I have quite some friends whom we usually hang out and talked about almost the same thing on a regular basis. We are just chit chat friends, and after the meet ups, Nothing much happens anyway. After gotten into Dharma, I don't hang out with them much, and may be as said, I had been un-friended :)
I do have a few good friends whom I may not have met up regularly but I know I can count on them when s**t happens. This group of friends know I am involved in Dharma and, without saying much, they gave me support. Though we didn't meet much, we still call up and share a bit of Dharma knowledge and what happened to me in my spiritual journey.
To me, real friend should not "un-friend" us if we are doing something for the benefit of others.
I think friend is not the only thing that is "off the list". Computer gaming is one of my "stuffs" which I let go after involving into Dharma. :)
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This is interesting! Maybe I should check if any of my friends unfriended me, not like I care any way ;D.
Well, in the time and place we are in, not everyone has the right to religious freedom which is rather sad. I noticed that there are a lot of movies about Christianity and Muslims but so so so little on Buddhism. Well, I still post things about Buddhism on my FB and if they don't like it, I am sorry. Why can you have your say and I can't? Even if they don't unfriend you, they can still hide your posts. Not much difference to me.
Trust me, even my BFF thinks I am different person, like I am in a cult or something... For following Tibetan Buddhism and not eating meat. WHAT?!!? Now it's just friend, no more BFF. And I still don't care.
The 3 jewels are my BFF now. Nothing else matters!
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Do not worry about this "friend". A true friend would not leave you just because of your religious views. If they have other religious views, then it is not your fault for not following their examples. If they unfriend you, at least they can't pressure you into changing your religion. I have had some friends that have decided to challenge me about my religion. I just told them, "If you cannot respect me for what I believe in, then why should I befriend you. You respect me, I respect you!" Some left, some stayed. Those who left had their mind remain closed. Those who stayed became more open in any discussion about religion but we would usually steer away from those discussions. In conclusion, you want to be a real Buddhist? You want be vegetarian? You are not on your own! NEVER! You can still have friends that have the same beliefs as you!
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You are herbivorous / vegetarian and I am not; I am carnivorous? - that does not mean that we cannot be friends. This is just a matter of choice of food and diet. It has nothing to do with friendship. Real friendship will survive such small differences.
What if you have friends from other faiths? Do you "un-friend" them? What made you become friends in the first place? Did you not know then that they were from other faiths? Why become friends and then break off that beautiful friendship?
Accept your friends as they are and for what they are.
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Haha... i guessed we all have an experienced to the subject matter somehow. One should not care too much about it.
Perhaps we should do our part by transforming ourselves to be better, sometimes action do speak louder. Eventually they will understand.....I HOPE. To those friends who make such a comment is due to wrong views actually whereby they are being brought up to a non religious country. Religion is treating like a culture more than a practice.
I guessed we are playing an important role here by our friends reacting in this manner. For example: If before we knew Dharma, say we used to party almost every single night with our friends, i would say it is normal for them to react negatively to our after Dharma behavior since we are not prioritizing partying with them anymore. The change is too drastic for them to except. Shouldn't a so call friend of us to be supportive enough in all matters? So i believed Dharma practices really helping us to purify unwanted distractions and in this case is our so called " friend".
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This is really an interesting thread.
Personally, I have been ‘un-friended’ by some friends since I start vegetarian. They would rather not call me out for lunch as they need to find a restaurant that has salad or vegetarian food.
For me, I would think this is natural that friends come and go at different time. It is a phenomenon of impermanent. ;)
As long as we know what we are doing is in accordance of Dharma & Karma, we should just go all the way. It maybe our friends do not have merits to be near Dharma. We can dedicate merits to them and wish that one day they will have the chance to learn and practise Dharma.
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I'm experiencing this phenomena as well when I'm a part of a Dharma centre because I used to hang out and party with them and suddenly I'm in Dharma and all this activities stopped and I turned them down most of the time when they invited me for parties not long after that I become a vegetarian and stopped smoking. My friends were shocked because I used to love steaks, pork chops and smoked like a chimney. After a while friends stop inviting me for any occasions because I don't hang out and party anymore like I used to. I'm not that cool person anymore. Well they are still my friends. We just drifted apart because of different interest and so happen my interest is in Dharma. But they did not disapprove me because of my involvement in Dharma but instead do ask me for advise when they are down.
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Hey Hope Rainbow, I can imagine what you mean. Initially the enthusiasm you feel about being a vegetarian and finding a new meaning in life can seem like your life is just revolving around that and nothing else. This can really turn people off. Perhaps your conversation is always about that and that bores your friends and they will also start seeing you as a religious freak.
To me, I guess it's how you go about it. When you first start becoming a vegetarian, you should not really announce it to your friends who may not understand, but slowly introduce to them that you are cutting down meat.
Initially, I had that problem too. So I stopped being anal and just pretend to go with the flow. Eventually, everyone will start accepting that you are still who you are but you have your preference in what you eat and your believes.
On the other hand, it's better to keep a distance from friends who may sway you off dharma in the beginning. Once our minds are more stable, these friends would not be able to influence you in anyway.
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Being un-friended? Hmm, when I think further, actually it’s our friend who un-friended us (as dharma student) or we in-directly un-friended them first?
Now most of my friend do not call me out anymore, or only once in a very blue moon, but why do they do so? Dharma as a career, it is the same as any other job, we didn’t shave our hair, we didn’t move to the monastery to stay, we still share the same language, so for them, this shouldn’t be the reason to un-friend us.
I think about it again, I trace back how I started, surprisingly, I realize that, initially when they call me out, 5-6 out of 10 times I rejected them, only come out once a while, hence, now they do not really call me out again, or not so much as last time, so to me, this un-friended thing started from my side, what about you all?
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Personally I have not experienced being “unfriended” because of my principles, belief or religious affiliation. However if my so called friends were to unfriend me because of any of the above, so be it. They have demonstrated to me that they are not my true friends. Friendship is where one respecting each other for whoever they are or what they believe in and more importantly to lend support and help in time of need.
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To me, understanding and bonding with friends can be a very complex issue as they have a huge influence on us, more than we can imagine. Sometimes, as we move up with our lives, we might lose friends that are stuck on a certain level or are unable to relate to us anymore because it is either that they went down or they feel embarrassed as they cannot match our mentalities anymore. I have friends that drop out or stop talking to me because they felt intimidated by the difference in our mentalities become so big that we no longer have common ground.
Here are some Buddhist advice regarding friends:
Friendship can be a difficult and complex topic for a young person to grasp. At times it can be difficult to know who means one well and who does not. This article aims to shed some light on this topic from a Buddhist perspective, especially for the benefit of young adults.
Someone can either be a friend, an enemy or neither a friend nor an enemy (neutral). However this can also be subject to change (anicca). Generally friends are the beings that are dear, mean one well and offer protection. Enemies on the other hand are the opposite of this; they are not dear, wish to cause one harm and to see one’s demise, suffering, loss and unhappiness. Neutral beings (e.g. acquaintances) neither mean one well nor any harm. The Lord Buddha outlined how to different between friends and enemies in depth in the Sigalovada Sutta. As a basic guideline, any being who acts to cause one harm can be considered an enemy, while any being that causes no harm to one and give rise to happiness and well-being can be considered a friend. Someone who does neither can be considered neutral.
Sometimes the line between a friend and an enemy can become blurred. A friend can act like an enemy and an enemy can act like a friend. This is consistent with the law of impermanence (anicca) where everything, including relationships, constantly changes. So regardless of whom one deals with, it is important to do so with wisdom (panna). It is of paramount importance to not let others take advantage, use, abuse, trap, mislead, or do any other harmful thing to one when dealing with others, whether they are classed as friends, enemies or neutrals. There are wise and skilful ways of preventing others from causing one harm that are in-line with the Dhamma (reality, truth, the way things are) teachings, which cause no harm to either oneself or others.3 This way no matter how others change, one will always be protected.
The Lord Buddha advised to avoid companionship with the foolish. ‘Foolish’ here refers to those lacking in wisdom and live unskilfully – this is essentially those who lead ignoble lives that contradict basic moral values and decency and/or takes one away from the correct Path. If one associates with such beings, one will be at the risk of falling down to their level through association and bad influence and may even miss the chance to find the lasting peace of Nibbana. The Lord Buddha said that if one cannot find a wise and good companion to associate with, someone who is on the same ‘level’ as one or better, to lead a life of solitude – that is to live alone.4 This advice is completely contradictory to the cultural outlook and thinking of Western societies where a life of solitude can be looked down upon. It is important to not get influenced by such thinking and to always resort to the Lord Buddha’s words for better guidance instead.
People need and seek out friendship for many of the benefits that it brings. Good friends can be depended on in times of need, are good advisors and companions. It helps to understand why people seek friendship at a deeper level. From a Buddhist perspective people seek the friendship to be ‘happier.’ How is this ‘happiness’ defined in Buddhist terms? It is defined as pleasure. Friends are associated to please the eye with their pleasant sight (seeing them), to pleasing the ear with their pleasant sound (their voices), to please the body with the pleasant touch (e.g. hugging) and also to please the mind with the pleasant ideas that friendship gives rise to (e.g. good memories). It is when this ‘happiness’ (pleasure) is missing that one feels ‘unhappy’ (displeasure). Under this condition, one is said to be ‘lonely.’ Enlightened beings and others advanced along the Path do not need nor seek companionship as they do not desire pleasures of any kind.5
Generally beings that primarily give rise to pleasure (causing attachment) are classes as ‘friends’ and beings that primarily give rise to ‘displeasure’ (causing aversion) are classed as enemies.. The choice of friends is a personal thing, based on personal likes/dislikes, standards, ideas, views, beliefs, etc. It is natural for like beings to be drawn to other like beings and unlike beings to be repulsed from other unlike beings. Some beings become one’s enemy because of a personal weakness they possess, be it fear, insecurity, desire (lobha) and competition for something, aversion (vyapada) or even stupidity and confused thinking (moha) and not because of anything that one has done to them. Especially in such instances, there is nothing to take ‘personally’.6 One needs to understand this with wisdom (panna) as to why beings act the way they do.
Everyone has friends, enemies and neutral beings. Generally friends mean one well, enemies mean one harm and neutral beings mean one neither harm nor happiness.7 The distinction between friends and enemies can sometimes blur, so it is always important to use wisdom to employ skilful means of preventing anyone, be it a friend, enemy or otherwise, from causing one harm. The Lord Buddha has explained in detail how to determine between friends and enemies in the Sigalovada Sutta. Outwardly appearance/behaviour is not always a good way of judging this. The Lord Buddha advised to avoid companionship with the foolish and to only associate with beings who are the same as one or more advanced along the Path. It is better to live alone if one does not find such a companion despite societal/cultural pressures. People seek friendship and companionship for various reasons, including deriving pleasure, which is widely viewed as ‘happiness.’ Beings may become enemies due to their own personal weaknesses and it may have nothing to do with one’s behaviour towards them.
May you find good friends to help you on the Path and if not the strength to travel the Path in solitude and peace towards the lasting peace of Nibbana!
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My advice is not to unfriend them even though they have unfriended you. In Buddhism, we practice equanimity. Our aim is to benefit others. One day your former friends might come and ask for your help and advice and you will be able to help them because you would have some spiritual knowledge to share. When we meet people, always think how you can benefit them. If we can't help them in this life, there are always future lives. The same goes for your friends. You have made a connection with them in this life. This connection will enable you to help them in a future life.
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My advice is not to unfriend them even though they have unfriended you. In Buddhism, we practice equanimity. Our aim is to benefit others. One day your former friends might come and ask for your help and advice and you will be able to help them because you would have some spiritual knowledge to share. When we meet people, always think how you can benefit them. If we can't help them in this life, there are always future lives. The same goes for your friends. You have made a connection with them in this life. This connection will enable you to help them in a future life.
I agree with this very much. It is part of our practice to show/live by example. If we were to in turn "un-friend" them as well, we are no better. Best way to prove to them that their views are wrong is to make them understand through our own transformation. It is easier said then done of course... however, if we truly practice and contemplate on our own actions first and foremost, then it actually becomes easier.
Deal with the person closest with you, I always say... and that is myself!
There will always be skepticism from our friends especially when we are on an accelerated path of discovery and that is not because they disagree but perhaps they are unsure of the unknown. This is especially so with some of my Christian friends. My Catholic friends are more excepting somehow. And perhaps this is why:
Most liberal minded Christians all over the world have much respect and admiration for Buddhism only the fundamentalist feel threatened by it. Interestingly Christians tooks the miracles and teachings and even aspects like rosary, monk order, confession and even salvation from Buddhism and most scholars believe Jesus Christ studied Buddhism during his lost years. The reason why fundamentalist are scared is probably because Buddhism is the fastest growing religion among Westerners and the BBC confirmed that including India and China, the Buddha is worshiped by over 2.5 billion which is more than JC and Allah. Ever since the Chinese govt embraced its Buddhist heritage, the fundamentalist are feeling even more threatened especially as India and China are supposed to be the future powerhouses along with Japan (Buddhist) and the US. India too has a major campaign now to honour the Buddha.
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Recently, a few of my "friends" have unfriended me and I thought of this thread and I wanted to share what i realize about these friends who unfriended me, and when they did they did not even have the courtesy to say bye or sorry or something like that -- they just decide to stop talking to me and stop replying to my messages, months prior to that. It was very odd behavior for friends or people who would consider themselves as friends to behave. It is not that I stopped talking to them all of a sudden or over time, but rather, they decided to reduce contact and gradually snipped the friendship off. In the meantime, I have been making a lot of new friends that are basically more interesting and more stable in character compared to the old ones. In the past, I am not one of the best people around and my personality was really negative in some way. I was manipulative and i was not appreciative of the people around me. After meeting my Guru I gradually improved and perhaps, friends that I attracted during that time are dropping off because we do not have any common ground anymore, and last time that I checked, they have not improved in any way at all.
I felt sad at first, but soon i realize that most of these "friends" are not beneficial in any way, and they do drag me down and they have by making big things out of nothing. I do have some sort of an attachment to my friends but eventually, I realize it does not make a difference even if I dont have them in my life, and perhaps, the protector removed them so that I can focus more on my Dharma work which is more important in the long run. After evaluating their behaviors and their implications, I realize that it did not matter that they left my life, because somehow, our goals in life changed, and it was time for us to part.
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Compulsive people prune their friend list periodically, removing people that they no longer have contact with. More often though, unfriending is only done when a particular friend's updates and self-promotions become so annoying that you can no longer stand hearing about them. Or you might unfriend someone when they anger you, however, this is not very effective since the person who is unfriended is not notified that you unfriended them.
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To me, unfriending or blocking someone on facebook on purpose is noting short of being petty and being close minded. If there are people who did that to me, even if they unblock me or added me back as a friend, things will never be the same again and I would not want to consider them as a friend again because the meaning of friendship is lost and it will just not be the same again.
If people block or unfriend you, good riddance as you never needed them in your life.
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Ensapa, I do not agree with you! What you just shared was so 'un-Buddhist'. What happened to Buddha's teaching of compassion? compassion means love without conditions. If you friends, for whatever reasons (valid or invalid) un-friended you in Facebook (or in reali life), you should take stock of your own behaviour and how have changed since you two were friends.
Friendship is two-ways, it takes two to tango for friendship to last. For me, it would take a LOT to make me un-friend a person and I would let that person know what I feel before I stop contacting him/her.
My point - it is not always that we are RIGHT. There are times we are in the wrong and people are entitle to their opinion of you and decide if they want to continue to be associated with you.
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I did not have any "mundane" friend that actually unfriended me but I did notice they're partying among themselves now without inviting me. Most common answers from them when I asked why I wasn't invited was that I am fast becoming a monk or you are too busy for gatherings so we didn't invite you. I guess they will still dwell in their mundane activities and ignore whoever who doesn't want to join them anymore. Am I hurt? I felt it is normal and that goes to explain that they aren't my real friends really. Rather than supporting what I like to do, instead they just ignored. Fine with me.
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I have some friends that have unfriended me over a couple of months as I progress in my spiritual path, its not really about the fact that we have grown apart, but rather the intentions that they have towards me unveiled slowly. Some people just keep quiet for a long period of time after a small argument or they just decide to unfriend me without even talking about issues that might have gotten in the way. I find it all quite funny/sad/indifferent. yes it did hurt at first but then as i think deeper or try to contact them again, I just realize that my karma with them ended as they have other things in mind for the friendship and it was not of sincere reasons. Thinking back, it was a good thing to not be influenced by such negativities that can only drag me down over time.
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Jetsun Milarepa said 'how can one who takes all things as friends ever have problems'.
If we regard inner realization as the most important treasure, then being un-friended helps us in many many ways.