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General Buddhism => General Buddhism => Topic started by: Positive Change on July 08, 2011, 07:21:36 AM
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Through my journey of spiritual discovery and life in general, I find the above question intriguing. Why? Well... to be honest, I catch myself not saying much when I need to or not saying much because I fear I have nothing to contribute be it a conversation, debate, problem, etc. I often though the reason for this was the fact that I was an innately shy person. Perhaps this is true but should it really be the reason why?
I use to find "comfort" in my silence as I think I cannot say anything wrong and look silly in the process. Upon deeper contemplation with what little realisations I have now, it had nothing to do with whether I said something wrong (we all do as we cannot possibly know everything!) but everything to do with not wanting to look silly or bad. This was and is to some degree a fundamental flaw in myself and I dare say in most people.
However, having said that, I do find myself more aware when I do this and do catch myself in mid thought (while contemplating NOT to speak) and actually just speak my mind. I rather look stupid than feed my already over inflated ego!
What do you guys think on this matter and do share your own experiences!!! :)
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Positive Change, you have rasied a very interesting topic here....
I guess besides the reason you mentioned of why people stay quiet and not speak up......one being the big ego so as not to look stupid.
But what about the fact that you know whatever you say, the outcome will not be changed? And should you not just stay quiet and go with the flow? I find that you need the right crowd to have a free flow of exchanges, and through these open exchanges, more truth or ideas will come forth.
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Recently, my Lama taught on universal responsibility.
The gist of his teachings is -
Yes, we can't eliminate all the sufferings of the world but if we don't do anything then we are guilty for not helping to reduce the suffering of others.
Now I understand why neutral karma will also be a cause to the three lower realms :(
Triesa, you might be right that whatever you say will not change the outcome; but who can know for certain what the outcome would be?
If we don't speak up we might be guilty of not doing our bit of universal responsibility .
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Have you guys not seen the ever famous slogan from Nike : Just Do It
When we think too much it just gives us mental pleasure to feed our own egos. In keeping quiet what are we justifying? That we know more and better than others? To tell ourselves that we do not want to look stupid is just feeding the ego. This I know truly from my own silence. We may be verbally silent but let me tell you, our minds are racing with self-conversation.
When we speak up we create communication, and in communication we exchange ideas and thoughts, and with that we learn and grow. We learn and grow even when what we speak about and hear in return may not at all times be what pleases us. The most important thing about speaking up is that you never know whose life you will affect and whose life you can touch. Of course I do not mean speak up with nonsense or speak with the intent to hurt. If you have such results when you speak up, then check in with your motivation.
Everyone and everybody has something to contribute always. The point is to contribute. Speak with the motivation to make a positive difference to others.
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Triesa, you might be right that whatever you say will not change the outcome; but who can know for certain what the outcome would be?
If we don't speak up we might be guilty of not doing our bit of universal responsibility .
I agree with you Kurava that speaking up is to fullfill our part in universal responsibility. It does requires skillful means and wisdom to understand the depositions of the mind sets of the people you are speaking to.
Very often, when we speak up, we want our ideas or comments heard and taken, but many a times, it may not be the case and that we also have to be prepared.
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The importance of speaking up varies in different situations. If it is just to get our opinions or ideas across it is still OK if we choose not to speak up because we know that others are not receptive and therefore no point wasting our time or making "enemies" for nothing.
In cases where justice for others requires us to speak up, we should do so at all cost because that is our universal responsibility especially if we know of something that is not right or a crime being committed or others are being accused of things they did not do. Speaking up in situations such as this could save a person' s life, livelihood, marriage etc.
If we fail to speak up in such situations for whatever reasons, we have have failed in our universal responsibility.
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Agree with Wosel Tenzin re speaking at appropriate situations, especially when a situation arises for you to step up to help someone, even if it means making yourself look bad and you take the blame in the end.
We need to ask ourselves... are we really not speaking up because we are "shy" or are we being a "coward"? I think shy and coward is perhaps equal. Whatever justification I give it... it still comes out negative especially when we are meant to speak up to protect/help/defend/clear doubts ... especially when the situation calls for it. Also when we do speak... it must have substance, a honest basis to back what we are saying. But definitely if you don't speak up to clear a certain situation that could help someone, you should. And in the end the fear of looking bad, being wronged or blamed in fact builds respect and confidence in ones character. it shows us our real colours of who we are inside - Heroes... the baby steps to aspiring Boddhisattva perhaps this is how we can begin to practice?
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I personally feel speaking up regardless of how one looks should be key. It is not done only to "protect" or help "avert" a problem. It is ALSO to give praise and due credit to others. If we choose to only jump in to help whenever someone is in trouble, we train our minds to look out only for one's faults or weaknesses and not ones good points or strengths.
If we truly want to be aspiring Boddhisatvas, we must be willing to defend AS WELL as compliment. Our egos are such that sometimes it is harder to compliment than to speak up on someone's behalf. This being, I think... in speaking up we actually gain some form of "pride" that we helped someone but in actually rejoicing or complimenting someone we seem to think we get nothing! My thoughts anyways!
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Speaking up to put right what has been done wrong requires courage to withstand the perpetrator's retaliation and this is not something for the "chicken-hearted".
There will be people who have done wrong but will be angry with you when you speak up and expose them. They can even turn around and tell you that you are vindictive and accuse you getting them into trouble.
Speaking up in such situation is important. Otherwise, it is not different with colluding with wrong doing out of fear of retaliation.
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What does everyone think in this........
When we stay silent and not speak up in order to offer the victory to others so that the arguement or tense situation will stop. We do this also according to one of the eight versus of mind transformation, which says :
When others out of jealousy
mistreat me with abuse, slander and so on
I will practise accepting defeat
and offering the victory to them
Is this not abiding to the "universal responsibility" which states that we always have to speak up?
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Why do we stay silent and not speak up! We are not speaking up because we are shy and also if we said something wrong being the ego so as not to look stupid. Sometime i do catch my self not saying much when i need to say... :-[. yes! i need to confess, because i scare to say wrong and i will look silly....l agree with you that Positive Change said: { what use to find "comfort" in my silence as I think I cannot say anything wrong and look silly in the process. Upon deeper contemplation with what little realisations I have now, it had nothing to do with whether I said something wrong (we all do as we cannot possibly know everything!) but everything to do with not wanting to look silly or bad. This was and is to some degree a fundamental flaw in myself and I dare say in most people.} I really learn a lot from here.A big thanks to all :D
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What does everyone think in this........
When we stay silent and not speak up in order to offer the victory to others so that the arguement or tense situation will stop. We do this also according to one of the eight versus of mind transformation, which says :
When others out of jealousy
mistreat me with abuse, slander and so on
I will practise accepting defeat
and offering the victory to them
Is this not abiding to the "universal responsibility" which states that we always have to speak up?
In all our actions or inactions, only we know what is our motivation.
If speaking up is to do our bit of universal responsibility - rejoice !
If your not-speaking-up is to practise the 8 verses - rejoice too !
:D
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It all depends on the situation . If we see that the situation requires us to speak up and by not speaking up, a wrong will not be corrected, then it is imperative that we speak up.
However, there are situations, where it is better that we keep quiet. In a certain situation, where two people are fiercely arguing about an issue which is actually trivial and it's all about winning an argument and nothing else, and one of them just wants somebody to support their stand against the other, then it is wiser not to add fuel to fire.
Quite a lot of times it is about our 'ego'. We prefer not to speak up so that we won't 'lose face' . Or we are afraid that we 'll be confronted, afterwards, by the party we spoke up against and given a stinging rebuke by them. The 'moral' of it all is to check our motivation.
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Through my journey of spiritual discovery and life in general, I find the above question intriguing. Why? Well... to be honest, I catch myself not saying much when I need to or not saying much because I fear I have nothing to contribute be it a conversation, debate, problem, etc. I often though the reason for this was the fact that I was an innately shy person. Perhaps this is true but should it really be the reason why?
I use to find "comfort" in my silence as I think I cannot say anything wrong and look silly in the process. Upon deeper contemplation with what little realisations I have now, it had nothing to do with whether I said something wrong (we all do as we cannot possibly know everything!) but everything to do with not wanting to look silly or bad. This was and is to some degree a fundamental flaw in myself and I dare say in most people.
However, having said that, I do find myself more aware when I do this and do catch myself in mid thought (while contemplating NOT to speak) and actually just speak my mind. I rather look stupid than feed my already over inflated ego!
What do you guys think on this matter and do share your own experiences!!! :)
Not speaking up when it's necessary may be due to low confidence, afraid of looking bad and not wanting to take responsibility. Whereas, sometimes it's necessary to stay silent. Therefore, one needs to know when to speak up and when to not speak up.
I guess what we need to check is whether our motivation matches our goals. When we honestly ask ourselves, we'll be able to find the answers.
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Not speaking up when it's necessary may be due to low confidence, afraid of looking bad and not wanting to take responsibility. Whereas, sometimes it's necessary to stay silent. Therefore, one needs to know when to speak up and when to not speak up.
I guess what we need to check is whether our motivation matches our goals. When we honestly ask ourselves, we'll be able to find the answers.
Dear Klein, I agree with you. Speaking up or not is not the point; the point is" what is our motivation for speaking up or not"!
If the motivation to not speak up is "I'll look silly", "I'll look stupid", "people will make fun of me", "if I speak up, they'll ask me to participate more"... are these motivation those of a spiritual practitioner? I think there is the question to ask ourselves.
Sometimes we have the answer to a problem and we don't speak up because we don't want to come across as the solution, we don't want to give a bit of our time to help someone else. Then someone else's speaks up and say: "I'll do it" and we feel more relaxed (for I won't have to do it). These are not habits that a spiritual practitioner should nurture, these are habits to counter.
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I think it all boils down to being selfish when you do not speak up when it's necessary. I learnt from my Guru recently that still water runs deep for people who are quiet in general. Makes lots of sense if you think about it.
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Don't speak up because of afraid of being wrong. Selfish!
But never speak up we would never know whether we are right.
What to lose if we give our sincere and caring thought?
Whether it is good or bad that is secondary but as long as our motivation is pure.
If we are wrong, learn it.
Who knows there are people benefited from what we say even though if it's wrong but if we are not wrong people might not able to learn what is right.
What important is share our thought and speak up not for us but others.
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This is an old thread, but the issue raised is ever green ;D
To speak or not to speak... not speaking even when we know the answer, not speaking when we are not sure whether we are right or wrong, not speaking because we are lazy to think of something to say, not speaking because we don't want people to have certain opinion of us... these are inner obstacles which we can overcome.
Speaking up is important for both the student and the teacher. If we don't speak up and reveal our depth of understanding of something, how can the teacher correct us or teach us something above our current level of understanding?
I used to teach high school physics... i found it quite exasperating when i ask the teens questions and no one wants to answer, or they reply with nonsense! i'm not sure which is worse... The smart ones don't want to answer because they don't want to look like a brown noser or mr/ms know-it-all, the lazy ones don't want to answer because they don't want to think, the not-so-smart-ones act as though i am not talking to them, and the naughty ones answer rubbish because they want attention!
To me, i was not expecting anyone to give the right answer, but rather i wanted to gauge the group's level of understanding, or just wake them up. Asking and answering questions to a group is just another method to help everyone learn from each other and see different perspectives. This method can be a very effective learning tool, but only if people respond to the questions.
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Haha... I have the same problem. The inability to speak up and always being silent. Although it's not really a joking matter, but sometimes when I look back at why I fail to speak up, it really is comical that at that point of time... I was unable to do so, even if it was something so simple.
I suppose it is true, that it is caused by our ego... afraid to be wrong and laughed at. However, I also believe that it's because of the lack of care... If we cared enough, we would speak anyway... just like how we would voice out for the people that are close to us even if ti will make us look like a fool.
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Looks like I am not alone. Many of us do not speak up due to our habituation and ego for not wanting to look bad, scolded or laughed. How silly it is many times when we were shown the way to speak up and yet not speaking up..repeating time over time. This can be also due to not wanting to know or learn more to increase knowledge and skills due to laziness. Hence, no confidence to speak up for having no knowledge. Likewise, being selective in speaking up. Why selective? All these boils down to our own ego and selfishness for focusing too much on ourselves. And not for others.
I guess once realised that need to make that change. I am adamant to change my habit of not speaking up for the benefits of others and myself at least for now. Yes, who knows may my stupidity answers in speaking up helps someone.
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For some people I've met, oh..i wish they would just shut up! They speak incessantly no matter what situation they find themselves in. Could it be that they are trying to drown any "accusations" or any "unpleasant" words with their eloquence and verbal diarrhea so they remain as they are? I call this Mr M16 Gun.
Well, for some people, they are quick to shut down and stay silent,.. perhaps not to be noticed so they can continue to remain as they are. I call this Ms Ostrich.
There are plenty of Mr M16 Gun and Ms Ostriches and I have found myself being both. (talking about split personalities) Well, outwardly its neither a good or a bad thing.. unless we are clairvoyant we wouldn't be able to truly perceive the motivation of others. However, if there are no growth then Mr 16 Gun or Ms Ostrich has been just a coverup for our indulgences.
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Once bitten, twice shy! Maybe that is the reason why we remain silent and not speak up when the situation demands it. It is also the upbringing that we have gone when we were young that shapes our present introverted behavior which is used to being silent. Or we are simply fear of public speaking! There are lots of reasons or excuses that we could think of to justify our silence. However, the fundamental reason for our silence is our egoistic mind which is very self-cherishing. Not speaking up is because we do not really care for ourselves (let alone others). We chose to remain selfish. We prefer to let others speak up so that we need not speak up! We are plain lazy!
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Silence is golden, is it? Most people opine that it is best to keep quiet if we have nothing good to say. But keeping quiet also means that we do not get to give our opinion, whether it be right or wrong - it is only a perception. Opinions given and taken will be put into action based on a majority basis - so if we do not offer suggestions, how would we know if anything/something that we had in mind would be accepted?
Many times, most people do not speak up for fear of rejection, fear of being made a laughing stock, fear of looking bad. This mind-set must change.
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Staying silence is being safe. Staying safe means I will not be noticed, hence I will not be involved in the work. Let other people do it because I do not how - this is the selfish view
Staying silence because I am not familiar with this topic, if I say something or ask anything, I will look stupid and people will look down on me, hence better don't say anything - this is the play-safe view
Why people stay silence could also because the other ones in the meeting/discussions/argument are not being NICE. They take every opportunity to put down other people. This is a classic case of office politics. In the nice world of TEAM, there are difference classes of members, some wealthy, some professional, some work hard, some work smart.. but I have not come across any organization that walk their talk when it comes to real team work and harmony...Sad!!
Why - this is because we are in samsara and are constantly affected by the three poisons. Hence we need to remind ourselves that fame, wealth, face, etc etc are meaningless.
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I came across this situation countless times already. I was afraid to speak up because that was the way I was brought up by my parent and teachers to keep quite because they are wiser. It really depends on your culture and environment. Some culture encourage you to speak up and some don't. Unfortunately I'm from the culture of don't speak up because that is rude and no manners to the elder. If we did speak up we will be asked to shut up.
Later part of my life i realized that those who opposed you to speak up because they don't know any better than you therefore they expect you to be like that as well. I see the ego there. If they don't know, means you don't know either therefore you should not speak or you will look like you're trying to be smart.
My opinion is, everyone should speak up. sometimes we may be wrong and sometimes we may be right. Ultimately who cares if you're right or wrong? As long as we set our motivation positively to benefits others with our opinions by speaking up.
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For some people I've met, oh..i wish they would just shut up! They speak incessantly no matter what situation they find themselves in. Could it be that they are trying to drown any "accusations" or any "unpleasant" words with their eloquence and verbal diarrhea so they remain as they are? I call this Mr M16 Gun.
Well, for some people, they are quick to shut down and stay silent,.. perhaps not to be noticed so they can continue to remain as they are. I call this Ms Ostrich.
There are plenty of Mr M16 Gun and Ms Ostriches and I have found myself being both. (talking about split personalities) Well, outwardly its neither a good or a bad thing.. unless we are clairvoyant we wouldn't be able to truly perceive the motivation of others. However, if there are no growth then Mr 16 Gun or Ms Ostrich has been just a coverup for our indulgences.
This is an interesting observation and analogy... I believe all Mr M16 Guns and Ms Ostriches are indeed "silent" in their own way. The former being loudly silent while the latter is extremely silent. Sometimes making unnecessary noise is a way to deflect the real issue or the person's lack of actual understanding.
Both are equally as bad. I have been a gun or a bird at times... its our way of hiding and letting our ego rear its ugly head!
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i feel that different people have different reasons why we not speak up in different situation.. For me its easy to speak when it a good situation but when it in bad situation it very difficult to talk as i scare what i say will make thing getting worse or it might say something stupid or something wrong or i have to do as per what i say which all of this is come from my big ego so i choose to be quiet which is also reflect on how selfish i am.
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It is always the same questions that run through my mind!
Am I saying the right thing at the right time?
Am I making the situation worse by saying something?
Is it okay to speak up when it has nothing to do with me?
Is it my ego?
I seriously don't mind looking or sounding stupid for I really don't care much but I am afraid that people might think I am being rude!
Its much better now. I do speak up, although not loud enough but I am going to do better than now!
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I agree with your reasons and want to add that there are some people who can speak their mind when it is a one to one situation but clamps up when in a group. Then there are some who clamps up when being confronted but contributes well in a peaceful discussions. May it be ego or not wanting to come out of one's comfort zone, as a caring dharma practitioner I think we should encourage the person who is suffering from this situation to speak up when necessary. On the other end of the spectrum, some one who talks and speaks up all the time could be a result of wanting to be heard all the time, again that boils down to ego. So the best way is to speak when needed and to shut up when you have nothing positive to contribute!
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I remember once in a teaching... my teacher exclaimed that the reason why it is selfish to not voice out or remain silent even if we "think" we do not know the answer or are afraid that we may be wrong or look stupid.
The point is not about giving the best or THE answer but rather spark off a discussion and brainstorm based on points of discussions. Sometimes the silliest remarks or answers may spark off a thought in someone else and that contributes to the solution and bigger picture in the long run. It makes a lot of sense.
Imagine a boardroom full of people who remain silent when it is supposed to be brainstorming sessions. Surely nothing will come out of however many hours they all spend in there. If everybody spoke out regardless of how silly and stupid or how precise or brilliant the idea, the session would be a success!
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Seriously, not speaking up is one of my problems. I'm never a public speaker, due to my nature of being shy, afraid of speaking wrong things and get rejected..all these are arises from high ego, i just do not want to look stupid. Yes, not speaking up due to the above reason looks more STUPID! I'm learning to let go of this ego thingy and open my mouth to give constructive suggestion now.
I agree with Wosel Tenzin on speaking in appropriate situation. Some people do most of the talking in a meeting or gathering, while some remain silent probably they are not interested or do not want to contribute at all. I find although some people who does a lot of talking, is a reflection of wanting attention and praise. Giving empty promises or unconstructed ideas and not get the real work done, is as lame as those who are not speaking up and do not contribute at all.
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Not speaking up and remaining silent when we see someone going the wrong direction or making a mistake is actually tantamount to making the mistake ourselves and we will collect the same amount of bad karma as the person who has done the mistake. This is of course assuming that we are in the capacity to advice others to stop something harmful and negative.
In my case, i tend to speak up too much and at the wrong time as I do lack the skillful means to do so tho there are times where I do fail to speak up when I find myself lacking the capability to tell others, or if i feel that the person that I need to speak up to will take it wrongly and react in a way that may be harmful as well = better to not speak up in this situations.
thing is, it is a very tricky decision whether or not we should speak up on something, as if we dont speak up, it is bad, but if we do speak up and it makes the situation worse, we are at fault as well. So we need to develop skillful means and use whatever methods we have to develop that although the main factor behind skillful means is compassion...in this situation we need to develop it to stop others from harming others and themselves.
Speaking up requires a lot of courage and wisdom as well as skillful means as well but the best factor that will drive you to speak up is compassion as you do not wish to see that particular person harm themselves which is why you speak up. Do keep in mind that situations can be tricky at times and there is no one way to speak up "correctly", so just do your best, as long as you dont keep quiet.
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Silent is scary. From my own short mediatation into this matter, i believe is because of not care, laziness to take duties or responsibilities, ego and etc.. Not care reflect from selfishness. The things which bring in self profit only speak up, if not rather silent this character is quite common. Laziness is also arise from selfishness. From here i noticed selfish is very scary and because no compassion and caring or loves. But buddha said all human beings got nature buddhahood so all this is can be bring out from our mind depends on environment, conditions,education and practices. The one of the good result to speak up is no regret, so speak up and take action when it is not too late.
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For myself, sometimes I stay silent because I am not familiar yet or have a shallow knowledge of the topic that was being discussed. Therefore I feel I do not have any point to contribute that can be of help, so I do not speak up and drag the time longer for a solution to be found. I believe I should think deeper and contemplate on what the effect of my speech will bring should I say something. I confess though, at times I remain silent for fear of appearing silly or offending someone. In my upbringing, I was taught not to offend anyone with my speech and even to say no in a most polite and positive way.
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Ah, the million dollar question. I guess there's a few reasons why:
1. One was brought up that way, our culture, our parents. One was taught not to speak up, and listen to the seniors instead. Because this has been habituated from a young age, it is carried forth in life as one ages. Taught by parents and disallowed in the culture, one then keeps quiet from habituation. - this I find is more pronounced in traditional Asian Cultures. But it doesn't mean that as we grow up, we still do not learn how to speak up.
2. One is lazy to improve on knowledge. Therefore leave it to others to learn and read up. From lack of knowledge, one cannot give their 2 cents worth, therefore decides to shy away and hide in silence so as to not be noticed. This arises from pure laziness, of not improving one's knowledge, so then there is nothing to add, and we stay silent. This also gives rise to selfishness, because essentially, the work is left for others to do, so that we can get knowledge from their input as they have read up and learned, and cared to improve their knowedge.
3. One is afraid of losing ego, and decides to save their face instead. Afraid to sound silly or stupid, afriad of being laughed at, we hide behind our ego with hopes of salvaging our face by staying silent. It's all in the mind - people might laugh at what you say, but respect/admire you for speaking up or people might laugh at you more for staying silent and lose respect because you are just... a lifeless background.
Whatever it is, we have a choice. Of course, there are times where we really have nothing to add or say. But prolonged periods of staying silent is not the way to go, as I've found out. By staying silent and not providing answers, people start assuming and things might get worst. By staying silent, it shows that no progress has been made, which is even worse as one embarks on a spiritual journey of self improvement. By staying silent, it just goes to show that we don't care - how selfish.
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Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and views... From what i gather, staying silent is nothing other than a selfish and egotistical standpoint. No matter how we sugar coat it with reasons, explanations and justifications, it all boils down to a choice... Yes it is a choice that we stay silent and hence it is very much a decision we make given our fears and wrong views. It may sound harsh or absolute but if we reflect on it honestly... It IS! So whatever delusions we have, make an effort to speal up and do not afraid of what you say because saying nothing is far worse!