What should we practice when faced with people with anger who dishes out hurtful words and causes mental and emotional abuse?
Do we stay away from them as a start to minimize such occurrences?
If it's not possible to stay away from such circumstances/peoples, then what should we meditate on regarding the afflicted person, how to prevent getting trapped into an unpleasant situation.
It is like the road is covered with rocks and it wll hurt you when you walk bare feet, so the best way to prevent from being hurt is to put on a pair of shoes.
In samsara, we can never completely avoid unpleasant circumstances but with understanding of the Dharma and realization, we can experience it with a purpose without creating more negative karma.
QuoteIt is like the road is covered with rocks and it wll hurt you when you walk bare feet, so the best way to prevent from being hurt is to put on a pair of shoes.
Dear Triesa
Thank you again for you concise and helpful postings. It is true we often try to resolve a problem after it has happened. It just makes so much more sense in "avoiding" the problem altogether by being prepared and not just having a 'gung-ho' attitude in thinking we are impervious to hurt and if we do get hurt, we so easily blame the other person. We are equally to blame if we do choose to walk bare feet. Interesting change on the point of view.
I am enjoying this forum tremendously and am learning a lot. Thank you again triesa.
I find that having an angry mind has a lot to do with habituation. Perhaps anger can sometimes give you a desired result quickly. But I think lifestyle has also a big part to having an angry mind. Consumption of meat and seafood can contribute to a persons’ aggression. Low level of fitness may also play a part in a person getting angry easily. I have noticed that I get angry easier when I am tired, and if I am unfit, I get tired easily. Perhaps a change of lifestyle can contribute to helping curb this habituation??
No one or nothing can actually make us angry! Seems like a strong statement but if you dwell deeper it actually is true. We 'feel' angry not because of what someone does or when something happens, we 'feel' angry because we assume or use our own interpretations to twist that situation into an attempt to feed our bruised ego.
For example... If we get "angry" because someone said something bad about us, is it really that person's fault? Perhaps the person was right (hence our bruised ego)? And if that person is wrong, it is still our ego wanting to be right and making that person feel small for stating a false accusation. Either way, anger does not help.
No one or nothing can actually make us angry! Seems like a strong statement but if you dwell deeper it actually is true. We 'feel' angry not because of what someone does or when something happens, we 'feel' angry because we assume or use our own interpretations to twist that situation into an attempt to feed our bruised ego.
For example... If we get "angry" because someone said something bad about us, is it really that person's fault? Perhaps the person was right (hence our bruised ego)? And if that person is wrong, it is still our ego wanting to be right and making that person feel small for stating a false accusation. Either way, anger does not help.
It's true that no matter how we justify our anger, it doesn't help. Anger can never be the right thing because it causes so much damage. It ruins friendships, destroys marriages and families and generally causes disharmony among people. The results of anger is always disastrous.
No matter how unjustified we feel a situation is to us, it is for the benefit of ourselves and others to control our anger because once our anger is unleased, we may say or do thing that we regret forever and the damage we cause may be irreparable.
If we recall the times we have been angry, we will remember that our mind is completely turbulent and there is no peace in our heart. In a way, being angry is just like being in hell on earth. Why do we even put ourselves through this?
From the Buddhist point of view, anger is completely dangerous. One moment of anger can destroy vast amount of merits and create much negative karma that can cause immense future sufferings. It will take our spiritual progress many steps backwards.
Therefore, instead of viewing others as our enemy, it's would be better if we view our anger as our enemy and work to take control of it.
The eight versus of mind transformation was written by Geshe Langri Thangpa Dorje Senge (1054 - 1123)
With the thought of attaining Enlightenment
for the welfare of all beings
who are more precious than a wish-fulfilling jewel
I will constantly practise holding them dear
Whenever I am with others, I will practise
seeing myself as the lowest of all
and from the very depths of my heart
I will respectively hold others as supreme
In all actions I will examine my mind
and the moment a disturbing attitude arises
endangering myself and others
I will firmly confront and avert it
Whenever I meet a person of bad nature
overwhelmed by negative energy and intense suffering
I will hold such a rare one dear
as if I've found a precious treasure
When others out of jealousy
mistreat me with abuse, slander and so on
I will practise accepting defeat
and offering the victory to them
When someone I have benefited and in whom
I have placed great trust hurts me very badly
i will practise seeing that person
as my supreme teacher
In short, I will offer directly and indirectly
every benefit and happiness to all beings, my mothers
I'll practise in secret taking upon myself
all their harmful actions and sufferings
Without these practises being defiled
by the stains of the eight worldly concerns
by preceiving all phenomena as illusory
I will practise without grasping to release all beings
from the bondage of the unsubdued mind and karma
Thank you for sharing this and I totally agree for what has been pointed here.In samsara, we can never completely avoid unpleasant circumstances but with understanding of the Dharma and realization, we can experience it with a purpose without creating more negative karma.
When I first started out on the path, I thought that experiencing negativities purifies that particular karma. But it is actually how we react when we experience the negativities will purify it or creates even more karmic seeds. Similar to when we face with an angry mind, we experience the unpleasantness. Without dharma, more than likely our habituated instinct will kick in and we automatically react back with anger also.
It is logical that we need to stop creating "angry karmic seeds" if we wish to stop experiencing this afflictive emotion.
I appreciate how you put it.. "experience it with a purpose" is what we need to keep in mind. I suppose it's like a muzzle we need to put on aggressive dogs to prevent them from harming others.
DSFriend asked whether we should stay away from angry people as a start to minimize such occurrences and what should we meditate on regarding the afflicted person, and how to prevent getting trapped into an unpleasant situation.
First, dealing with the angry person.
Geshe Kelsang Gyatso in his book Transform Your life: A Blissful Journey mentions that,
All the faults we see in people are actually the faults of their delusions, not of the people themselves. If someone is angry, we think "He is a bad and angry person,' whereas Buddhas think 'He is a suffering being afflicted with the inner disease of anger.' If a friend of ours were suffering cancer we would not blame him for his physical disease, and, in the same way, if someone is suffering from anger or attachment we should not blame him for the diseases of his mind.
In the fourth of the Eight Verses of Mind Transformation, it is said:
Whenever I meet a person of bad nature
overwhelmed by negative energy and intense suffering
I will hold such a rare one dear
as if I've found a precious treasure
If we practice the path of a Bodhisattva, then of course, not correcting others who are motivated by delusions is one of the downfall hence we should try our best to help relieve that deluded and angry person from his or her suffering. Usually, lending a pair of ears or showing genuine care in the long run will help. We should not avoid the situation or stay away from them because if we do, then our loving concern for others is liable to decrease.
Secondly, dealing with anger or the affliction/delusion itself.
I like what Shantideva said,
“If you are going to get angry at something, get angry at mental afflictions, because people are just puppets on the end of the string of their own mental afflictions. If you are going to get angry, direct your wrath towards mental afflictions.”
When we talk about delusions, the root of the delusions is ignorance (of cause and effect), so one develops the delusions such as aversion/hatred, attachment, pride. To abandon delusion for good, one must apply the antidote to ignorance and to grasping at a self through selflessness.
For practitioners, The Kadampa masters advised that the best attainment is developing faith in cause and effect, living in pure ethics, and eliminating one’s delusions and negative states of mind. By having faith in cause and effect, one is able to live in pure ethics, and by living in pure ethics, one is able to eliminate the delusions from one’s mind.
What should we practice when faced with people with anger who dishes out hurtful words and causes mental and emotional abuse?
Do we stay away from them as a start to minimize such occurrences?
If it's not possible to stay away from such circumstances/peoples, then what should we meditate on regarding the afflicted person, how to prevent getting trapped into an unpleasant situation.
What should we practice when faced with people with anger who dishes out hurtful words and causes mental and emotional abuse?
Do we stay away from them as a start to minimize such occurrences?
If it's not possible to stay away from such circumstances/peoples, then what should we meditate on regarding the afflicted person, how to prevent getting trapped into an unpleasant situation.
What should we practice when faced with people with anger who dishes out hurtful words and causes mental and emotional abuse?
Do we stay away from them as a start to minimize such occurrences?
If it's not possible to stay away from such circumstances/peoples, then what should we meditate on regarding the afflicted person, how to prevent getting trapped into an unpleasant situation.
For more realistic solutions mind training is required. A Buddhist method is to develop equanimity which does not label people as friends, enemies and strangers. If we are mindful that the person who is directing his anger at us is not an enemy but as someone who is suffering from the temporary illness/ disease of anger and who had also been kind to us in many ways in the past and have the capacity to be kind to us in future, it will transform tolerance into patient acceptance which has more power to reduce or remove our own angry seeds from being triggered when dealing with adversities. There are even higher methods which can permanently remove all our negativities such as realizing selflessness, bodhicitta or the correct view of emptiness.