dorjeshugden.com
General Buddhism => General Buddhism => Topic started by: diamond girl on June 14, 2011, 10:13:32 AM
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It has been commonly said that we cannot recognize another's strengths or flaws if we ourselves do not have it inherently in us. So, everyone has an angry mind, or shall I say the anger in the mind is latent and can be triggered.
I do like what Shugdentruth said about anger being a way to get things quickly. Anger is the general pre-requisite for all bullies in every high school.
Anger is also a result of ego. Anger in itself is just an energy and when converted through knowledge in Dharma and mind transformation, this same energy can be compassion, love...anything you want. It is more critical to deal with the human ego which the principle contributor to anger, hate, manipulation, lies and deceit...
When I pray to Dorje Shugden I offer up all my virtues, merits, flaws, so that I can clear my mind and let go of all that clutter. When the mind is clear or calm, we can learn better... and the Dharma seeds have good grounds to germinate.
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I am so glad my angry mind has for the first time generated some positivity. I had a very bad temper and the change of lifestyle has really helped me tame the angry beast within myself. I have also noticed that when we get our angry mind under control, I am happier and more positive. This also have people around you being happier and more positive and very positive things will manifest.
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It has been commonly said that we cannot recognize another's strengths or flaws if we ourselves do not have it inherently in us. So, everyone has an angry mind, or shall I say the anger in the mind is latent and can be triggered.
When I pray to Dorje Shugden I offer up all my virtues, merits, flaws, so that I can clear my mind and let go of all that clutter. When the mind is clear or calm, we can learn better... and the Dharma seeds have good grounds to germinate.
I can relate to what you wrote, Diamond Girl.
We can't identify things that we do not know of ourselves. Therefore, if it is not already within us, we can't recognise it either.
Having said that, the source of our anger could be very different personal things.
For the longest time, I am completely adverse to people who like to talk in an angry tone, to the point that they are raising their voices. I didn't understand why they need to talk like that. I used to label these kind of raging talk as 'barking'.
I used to hate it when someone 'barked' at me, whether they have reason to or not. I cringed at the sound of it and I couldn't bear hearing people bark and bark at me. It used to turn me off so much that I would do my best to avoid these people altogether. I rather not even come within 500 miles of their reach.
Of course things became very challenging when I was working closely on one project with someone whose style was to 'bark' - from my my point of view anyways. And because this person was the head, we all had to dance according to his tune, moods and his direction. If he didn't like something, we would all get it. If he was not in a good mood, we all would feel it. And if something went wrong or we did a mistake, we would never heard the end of this incessant 'barking'.
However after attending much Dharma teachings and listening to my Guru's advice, I asked myself to look deeper into the source of my 'adverse reaction'. Why do I react this way to what I termed as 'barking'? Why would I term it as 'barking' in the first place and perceive it with such negative emotions?
After much contemplation, I found that the real source of my complete adverse reaction to anything that remotely sounds or looks like barking was because it was all tied to the memory of my father. My father was a very angry, moody and impatient person. I had always felt that I was walking on egg shells when I was around him. Whatever slight mistake I made, he would just shout at me and 'bark' at me until the cows came home. I hated every minute of it and I really couldn't stand it. It was the very thing that drove me up the wall and around the ceiling and then some!
Hence, from that intense memory of my father's barking, whenever I hear something similar or someone acting in somewhat the same way, it would trigger these memories and all its negative elements. And I would just react adversely to it. Although none of it had even anything to do with the memory of my father or my childhood. It was how I hung onto that perception. That inability to let go has caused me to relive the agony of 'barking' over and over again until recently, even though it was not my father and it had nothing to do with my father.
What's worse is that I started to perceive these so-called 'barkers' in a negative light and I begin to dislike as well. Then, in my heart and mind, I begin to harbour the same angry emotions towards them. But reality is, I was the one re-creating a scenario for me to relive something unpleasant in my past. And it was me who allowed these unhealthy thoughts and feelings to continue to haunt me for as long as they did.
It took a long time to understand this, let alone, accept. But when I began to let go, I found that it became easier for me to embrace the different people I come across in my everyday life. I am not so affected anymore, nor do I need to carry any angry feelings or thoughts against someone else. There is no re-living of a personal nightmare, orchestrated by me. And there is no adverse repercussions created by my own negative reactions towards others.
This peace of mind came late. But I was very glad that I managed to arrive to this point somehow. There is such a huge weight that has been lifted within me from the moment I began to see. And for that, I am indeed truly grateful.
These days, I adapt and work in much better terms with the people around me. What's encouraging is that I can begin to care more about those around me, as opposed to before due to my perception of 'barking'.
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I agree with Triesa that we should train our minds to prevent it from reacting negatively when someone turns their anger on us. I also agree that we should train our minds following the Eight Verse of Thought Transformation. I would particularly like to highlight the Third Verse:
“In all my actions I will examine my mind
and the moment a disturbing attitude arises
endangering myself and others
I will firmly confront and avert it.”
Training one’s mind is not easy. I believe that we need to continue to do a lot of purification practices, including Prostrations and Confession to The Thirty-Five Confessional Buddhas. To be able to spontaneously react positively and not negatively towards anger, one’s mind has to be cleared of all negative imprints as well as habituations of anger. Then, one needs to daily reflect and meditate on the "Eight Verses" especially the above verse and not merely recite it.
In the Lamrim, we learn that there are four effects of negative karma – one of them is the effect of ‘tendencies similar to the cause’. The tendency to get angry very fast is a product of many lifetimes of accumulated negativity of anger in our mindstream. That is why, in the Mahayana Purification practice of Confession to The Thirty-Five Confessional Buddhas, we express our regret and promise not to repeat negative actions again. In ‘promising not to repeat a negative action’(one of the ‘four opponent powers’ in this purification prayer), say of anger, if done sincerely and properly , we would have effectively applied ‘the opponent power’ to the cause and purified the karma. So we will have prevented the karma from ripening into the negative effect of ‘ a tendency (getting angry very quickly) similar to the cause(habituation of anger in our mindstream). Then we mindfully keep the promise and reduce our anger towards people. One purification practice alone is not enough. We need to do it again and again.
We also need to reinforce our daily purification practices with daily reflection, contemplation and meditation on "Eight Verses" and the above verse. A lot of hard work, but, I believe, well worth it. We all want freedom from suffering, don't we?
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Anger is also a result of ego. Anger in itself is just an energy and when converted through knowledge in Dharma and mind transformation, this same energy can be compassion, love...anything you want. It is more critical to deal with the human ego which the principle contributor to anger, hate, manipulation, lies and deceit...
I can see how 'anger' translates or turns into strong passionate energy with Dharma knowledge... It is actually quite a powerful trait as it fuels ones drive which is important. Sitting on the fence hardly takes us anywhere really!
Having said that, an 'angry mind' is not necessarily bad in itself... but it is what we do with and how we can transform that latent energy into something constructive and positive. I personally think the very title "dealing" with an angry mind says it all really!
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Thank you Helena for what you shared. It was quite personal I must say. I know many people who have "barking" fathers and even mothers.
I am happy to hear that you have tamed your mind and realize you created the situations of "barking" by holding on to your past. Also nice to see that your ego has let down too. Your ego of wanting to be right that people "bark" and thus warrant your resentment towards them prohibited you to grow and practice compassion even towards people who speak in ways you find unacceptable.
Do your Dorje Shugden mantras daily and contemplate on your anger and you will even remove anger altogether and tame the culprit - the ego.
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Thank you Helena for what you shared. It was quite personal I must say. I know many people who have "barking" fathers and even mothers.
I am happy to hear that you have tamed your mind and realize you created the situations of "barking" by holding on to your past. Also nice to see that your ego has let down too. Your ego of wanting to be right that people "bark" and thus warrant your resentment towards them prohibited you to grow and practice compassion even towards people who speak in ways you find unacceptable.
Do your Dorje Shugden mantras daily and contemplate on your anger and you will even remove anger altogether and tame the culprit - the ego.
Thank you for your words of encouragement, Diamond Girl. Yes, it was rather personal. I don't normally like to share personal details, but in this Forum, I felt that it might be beneficial to open up and share. We are all learning and making efforts to improve ourselves or our practice. Hence, I do appreciate it when others share and I do learn a great deal as a result of their personal sharing.
Sometimes we do get too caught up in our own imagined world of reality and we believe it is right.
You are very right in pointing out what is the real culprit and that is the ego. The ego has it ways to disguise itself as many things. We are fooled by it most of the time. And we pay dearly because of it.
I am just relieved that I do not harbour any more negative views or feelings on others. Carrying or holding onto an angry mind or feelings does take so much out of a person. And yet it does no good at all for anyone, including that person.
I especially liked what Vajrastorm wrote here. Reminding us all of a valuable verse.
“In all my actions I will examine my mind
and the moment a disturbing attitude arises
endangering myself and others
I will firmly confront and avert it.”
Training one’s mind is not easy. I believe that we need to continue to do a lot of purification practices, including Prostrations and Confession to The Thirty-Five Confessional Buddhas. To be able to spontaneously react positively and not negatively towards anger, one’s mind has to be cleared of all negative imprints as well as habituations of anger. Then, one needs to daily reflect and meditate on the "Eight Verses" especially the above verse and not merely recite it.
We also need to reinforce our daily purification practices with daily reflection, contemplation and meditation on "Eight Verses" and the above verse. A lot of hard work, but, I believe, well worth it. We all want freedom from suffering, don't we?
Yes, training one's mind is not easy. After all, we have had lifetimes of habituation in all these negative behaviours and thought patterns.
To break them all, takes time and consistent applied efforts.
In the main page of this website, I found these words to be especially true -
Consistency and long term practice always bear fruits. Dedicate yourself to the protector for the Kali Yuga age. A time where materialism, wrong view and results of negative karma manifests as something positive. We need to rely on Dorje Shugden more these days as the obstacles are staggering. Never forget to do your prayers, sadhanas, serkym and purification daily with Dorje Shugden. It will make a tremendous difference in your life both long and short term.
These days, I do incorporate Vajrasattvas, serkym and the 35 Confessional Buddhas into my daily prayers. I do find them most effective and helpful.
What will become of us all if we didn't have the good fortune to meet the Gurus and have these precious teachings or practices?
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It has been commonly said that we cannot recognize another's strengths or flaws if we ourselves do not have it inherently in us. So, everyone has an angry mind, or shall I say the anger in the mind is latent and can be triggered.
When I pray to Dorje Shugden I offer up all my virtues, merits, flaws, so that I can clear my mind and let go of all that clutter. When the mind is clear or calm, we can learn better... and the Dharma seeds have good grounds to germinate.
I can relate to what you wrote, Diamond Girl.
We can't identify things that we do not know of ourselves. Therefore, if it is not already within us, we can't recognise it either.
Having said that, the source of our anger could be very different personal things.
For the longest time, I am completely adverse to people who like to talk in an angry tone, to the point that they are raising their voices. I didn't understand why they need to talk like that. I used to label these kind of raging talk as 'barking'.
I used to hate it when someone 'barked' at me, whether they have reason to or not. I cringed at the sound of it and I couldn't bear hearing people bark and bark at me. It used to turn me off so much that I would do my best to avoid these people altogether. I rather not even come within 500 miles of their reach.
Of course things became very challenging when I was working closely on one project with someone whose style was to 'bark' - from my my point of view anyways. And because this person was the head, we all had to dance according to his tune, moods and his direction. If he didn't like something, we would all get it. If he was not in a good mood, we all would feel it. And if something went wrong or we did a mistake, we would never heard the end of this incessant 'barking'.
However after attending much Dharma teachings and listening to my Guru's advice, I asked myself to look deeper into the source of my 'adverse reaction'. Why do I react this way to what I termed as 'barking'? Why would I term it as 'barking' in the first place and perceive it with such negative emotions?
After much contemplation, I found that the real source of my complete adverse reaction to anything that remotely sounds or looks like barking was because it was all tied to the memory of my father. My father was a very angry, moody and impatient person. I had always felt that I was walking on egg shells when I was around him. Whatever slight mistake I made, he would just shout at me and 'bark' at me until the cows came home. I hated every minute of it and I really couldn't stand it. It was the very thing that drove me up the wall and around the ceiling and then some!
Hence, from that intense memory of my father's barking, whenever I hear something similar or someone acting in somewhat the same way, it would trigger these memories and all its negative elements. And I would just react adversely to it. Although none of it had even anything to do with the memory of my father or my childhood. It was how I hung onto that perception. That inability to let go has caused me to relive the agony of 'barking' over and over again until recently, even though it was not my father and it had nothing to do with my father.
What's worse is that I started to perceive these so-called 'barkers' in a negative light and I begin to dislike as well. Then, in my heart and mind, I begin to harbour the same angry emotions towards them. But reality is, I was the one re-creating a scenario for me to relive something unpleasant in my past. And it was me who allowed these unhealthy thoughts and feelings to continue to haunt me for as long as they did.
It took a long time to understand this, let alone, accept. But when I began to let go, I found that it became easier for me to embrace the different people I come across in my everyday life. I am not so affected anymore, nor do I need to carry any angry feelings or thoughts against someone else. There is no re-living of a personal nightmare, orchestrated by me. And there is no adverse repercussions created by my own negative reactions towards others.
This peace of mind came late. But I was very glad that I managed to arrive to this point somehow. There is such a huge weight that has been lifted within me from the moment I began to see. And for that, I am indeed truly grateful.
These days, I adapt and work in much better terms with the people around me. What's encouraging is that I can begin to care more about those around me, as opposed to before due to my perception of 'barking'.
Helena, I am in complete resonance with what you wrote here.
I am like you, do not like to be around with people who always "bark" at the onset of anything that doesn't please them or go their way.
At first, I really don't feel there is any need to talk to others like this.... but than later when I understand what emotions are going behind the barking, I look at them deifferently.
People who likes to bark, shout or humilate people around them are actually very unhappy people, because I would think happy person would be overflowing with positive energy and making everyone around him happy too.
I begin to not to react in a negative way when I am around with these angersome people. There is obviously no point to engage in an arguement, because this will stimulate even more anger from the person.
I choose to remain silent, not aggressive, but letting the person win....and all I hope is that this person will realise someday that there is ABSOLUTElY no need to talk in such a manner as I have no intention at all to fight or bark back at him.
And so far, he has been barking less....... :)
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I am like you, do not like to be around with people who always "bark" at the onset of anything that doesn't please them or go their way.
At first, I really don't feel there is any need to talk to others like this.... but than later when I understand what emotions are going behind the barking, I look at them deifferently.
People who likes to bark, shout or humilate people around them are actually very unhappy people, because I would think happy person would be overflowing with positive energy and making everyone around him happy too.
I begin to not to react in a negative way when I am around with these angersome people. There is obviously no point to engage in an arguement, because this will stimulate even more anger from the person.
I choose to remain silent, not aggressive, but letting the person win....and all I hope is that this person will realise someday that there is ABSOLUTElY no need to talk in such a manner as I have no intention at all to fight or bark back at him.
And so far, he has been barking less.......
Interesting to note that in the threads leading up to what triesa shared here is that how we "react" is the way we kinda in a way "make" people "react". Hence it is "RE-ACT" and not "ACT". It is really a reaction we are dealing with here.
If we can just curb our minds to focus on the good and the positive, and if that in turn makes others around us "react" in a similar way, won't this world be a much better and certainly more pleasant!
It all sounds great in written words but I need to put it in practice more as I sometimes feel I am biting my tongue off just to refrain from RE-acting! We are so ingrained in protecting ourselves we often forget everyone else around us is exactly THE SAME. Everyone is after self preservation! And all this from the mere power of THOUGHT. We have not even touched on ACTION yet... mind blowing but in a good way...
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Helena, I am in complete resonance with what you wrote here.
I am like you, do not like to be around with people who always "bark" at the onset of anything that doesn't please them or go their way.
At first, I really don't feel there is any need to talk to others like this.... but than later when I understand what emotions are going behind the barking, I look at them deifferently.
People who likes to bark, shout or humilate people around them are actually very unhappy people, because I would think happy person would be overflowing with positive energy and making everyone around him happy too.
I begin to not to react in a negative way when I am around with these angersome people. There is obviously no point to engage in an arguement, because this will stimulate even more anger from the person.
I choose to remain silent, not aggressive, but letting the person win....and all I hope is that this person will realise someday that there is ABSOLUTElY no need to talk in such a manner as I have no intention at all to fight or bark back at him.
And so far, he has been barking less....... :)
I like what Triesa said about happy people are usually overflowing with positive energy. Knowing this does help me not react towards angersome and hurtful people because I begin to understand that they are such because they are probably angry and unhappy inside.
Therefore, they express themselves in a way that hurt others. Since we cannot avoid people like that who are around us, I feel that when we encounter such a person, understanding their nature, we should not react to them. Hopefully by us not reacting, eventually it will make them see their own problems and make them look inwards to find a solution and eventually peace for themselves and not hurt others.
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Angry mind is a sign of EGO ! i realized this is very true. i experienced this personally and do my best to avoid.
It can be destructive and lead to problems, may be at work, relationships etc
Therefore,Whenever I encounter problems with people and causing anger , i catch my mind quickly and choose not to have such an angry mind to disturb me , thus, anger towards people reduced, tolerance level also increased.
Thanks for sharing such topic
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Angry mind is super scary! It can lead to depression and suppression of anger. It can lead to physical violence if it is really bad. A person will lost his conscious when he is angry. People will get a hurt and things destroyed. Come to think of it, wasn't it too much trouble... to clean up, to fight, to prove one's wrong... so tiring... hehe...
So it is better to catch that angry mind, be calm. And look for solution in a calm and a positive manner. It makes everything around better actually.
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The one being angry is the one being hurt actually. Not really anyone else...so why stress out and hurt yourself... I know it is easier said them done. That is why Buddhism is so logical, the very person you are angry about with is probably your very teacher, they help you to practice all those things we learn about compassion, love and patience. It's like they are there to test what you have practice out. And I myself realise that the very fault you see in others is also your own faults otherwise how can one even recognise?
Being angry is a negative energy that grow like wild fire...it is not world it because only you end up miserable and unhappy...what is the point..
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I agree with Barzin that an angry mind is “super scary”, especially when anger escalates into destructiveness. How about a scenario where an already highly charged angry mind is pushed into ‘blind’ red anger that sees no other recourse but destroying himself and everyone around him (in this instance the ones around him are actually his loved ones – his wife, mother and son).
The scenario gets even scarier when the ghost of this guy comes back to exact revenge from the one who provoked him into ‘blind’ red anger. He gets his revenge when this second guy is driven to commit suicide.
As this happens to be a true story, I wonder how many rounds of escalating negative karma will be created over how many lifetimes before one of the two players above decides to ‘cut it off’ and forgive the other.
Thus does Dharma teach us to forgive and to accept another’s apology with love and compassion for the happiness and well-being of all. Thus does Dharma teach us how very necessary it us for us to control destructive emotions like anger.
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Being angry is common with many people. However, if being angry with oneself and contemplating on the source of anger can be very empowering for mind transformation. Sadly, most of the time, anger is used to either take advantage of others or simply to bully others.
As what Positive Change says, harnessing anger or any form of strong emotions within our puny mind,can be changed to very positive energy. Anger is a very strong emotion, understand the source and I believe we can have mind transformation.
My anger used be destructive to many people around me. On learning the Dharma, I am trying to change the source and effect of my anger and when it comes I curb myself from being destructive. My anger always arises when I feel that someone is not doing well for herself or himself, and this is all about my ego in judging the standards and way of things to be done.
I have not cultivated my anger to be a source of good energy, but I am trying and let it be known, it is now easy. I aspire to have better control of my anger and praying to Dorje Shugden will work.
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An angry mind can be very dangerous. Recently I have watched a movie of a man who was extremely angry with himself because he failed in his business and was running into huge debts. Due to his anger, he started taking it out on his family. He abuse and beat his wife and his children just to vent his frustration. Finally, when he was not able to cope with his failure anymore, his angry mind escalated to the extent that he killed his wife and children and then kill himself because he could not let go of his anger of himself for his failure.
This movie was actually made based on a real life story that had happened in a developing country. We can see here that an angry mind can cause a lot of disaster and therefore before we even come anywhere close to that extent, we must curb it immediately. If we let an angry fester and grow, the result can be disastrous and the damage irreversible.
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Being angry is common with many people. However, if being angry with oneself and contemplating on the source of anger can be very empowering for mind transformation. Sadly, most of the time, anger is used to either take advantage of others or simply to bully others.
As what Positive Change says, harnessing anger or any form of strong emotions within our puny mind,can be changed to very positive energy. Anger is a very strong emotion, understand the source and I believe we can have mind transformation.
My anger used be destructive to many people around me. On learning the Dharma, I am trying to change the source and effect of my anger and when it comes I curb myself from being destructive. My anger always arises when I feel that someone is not doing well for herself or himself, and this is all about my ego in judging the standards and way of things to be done.
I have not cultivated my anger to be a source of good energy, but I am trying and let it be known, it is now easy. I aspire to have better control of my anger and praying to Dorje Shugden will work.
Dondrup Shugden... In realising what you have mentioned above I believe is the first step in transforming the mind. It is when we choose not to "realise" our faults and "bury" them, is when it becomes a problem. Most often than not we chose to hide and we are shocked and "angry" that the world points it out to us. It makes sense because, if we ourselves cannot "accept" our own flaws, how accepting are we to others pointing it out!
For me personally, having realised my potential to be angersome and lashing out has made me more aware of my "actions" and thus curbing my angry mind to a certain extent. It is when we perfect this is when are are truly mindful and this should translate into all aspects of our lives and only then can we truly say we are focusing out.
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Re: Dealing with angry minds
Anger is one of the poisons of our mind that make us lash out with hurtful words and actions. Scarier is the type of anger that is silent, where the mind plots to exact revenge.
Example: The driver of another car overtook while we were driving, honked his car’s horn and gave a long stare as he zipped past. Many of us would rant and rave, wave our hands and maybe gesticulate wildly. That driver drove on, what went on in his mind we would not know. But in our mind, we thought, “who the heck is he, is he the only one paying taxes?” among many other thoughts, some not proper to write about. Maybe we even took a mental note of that car’s registration and thought, “if I saw it again, I will make sure it is scratched.” Or worse, maybe I will call some mates on my cell phone to rough up that guy when he parked. All sorts of imagination crop up in our mind.
Why? It is because we cannot let go or maybe do not want to?
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Dear Samayakeeper, what you have just said makes so much sense. People lash out hurtful words and actions because they are angry and it is usually mainly with themselves. There could be many reasons for this. Among other reasons are they have not been getting what they want and the anger and dissatisfaction has been festering in their or someone who is important to them has hurt them and they can't let go of their anger for a long time.
Understanding the cause of anger in another person helps us to develop patience and compassion for them as we will understand tha those who are consumed with anger suffer a lot too.
On our part, we take responsibility for being at the receiving end because we probably created the karma for it in the past. In this way dealing with angersome people helps us to develop patience and compassion and at the same time if viewed in a correct way and not retaliate helps us to purify our past negative karma relating to it.
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Hi,
This is my first time in the forum and funnily this is the first post I stumbled upon. What is so funny is that I was dealing with my anger the whole freaking day. Too much of a coincident to what I think!
I usually consciously try to stop my anger from arising and divert my thoughts to a more positive thought. However, I find this method stopped working after some time. I am not truly facing my anger, I am just ignoring it and deep inside resentment started growing as well because I have not totally let go. The reason is because I am not addressing what is causing the anger.
I agree with what you guys are saying here especially about the type of silent anger. Silent anger is a battle within ourselves (hence it's silent, but loud in the head) and therefore the only way is to confront the anger by examining all the feelings and thoughts that arise from it. I find it helpful to write it all down so that I can better see all the messed up things that is going on in my head. That way I can slowly work on all this negative feelings/traits I have that causes the anger to arise. The more these feelings are removed through understanding, the less anger will arise.
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Hi,
This is my first time in the forum and funnily this is the first post I stumbled upon. What is so funny is that I was dealing with my anger the whole freaking day. Too much of a coincident to what I think!
I usually consciously try to stop my anger from arising and divert my thoughts to a more positive thought. However, I find this method stopped working after some time. I am not truly facing my anger, I am just ignoring it and deep inside resentment started growing as well because I have not totally let go. The reason is because I am not addressing what is causing the anger.
I agree with what you guys are saying here especially about the type of silent anger. Silent anger is a battle within ourselves (hence it's silent, but loud in the head) and therefore the only way is to confront the anger by examining all the feelings and thoughts that arise from it. I find it helpful to write it all down so that I can better see all the messed up things that is going on in my head. That way I can slowly work on all this negative feelings/traits I have that causes the anger to arise. The more these feelings are removed through understanding, the less anger will arise.
Welcome to the "forum family" Aurore...
It is interesting how you have come to realize that you cannot just "ignore" the anger and focus on a positive thought and think the anger will fade away. I think when one does that, the anger festers and burns away like embers of a campfire. After a while, with enough "added" influences the fire rages again stronger than before.
I also like what you said about writing it all down. It is a good way to decontruct the anger so to speak. Really to face it and take it apart! If addressed in this way, if similar instances that happens which would normally make us fume would actually dissipate! I like that. Thank you for sharing this as it makes a lot of sense to me.
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Welcome Aurore. What you said is real Dharma and perhaps you don't realise it, it is the same method employed by His Holiness the Dalai Lama too!
Dalai Lama advised that we should understand that anger and hate is very destructive and to use that kind of sort of realisation/ to reduce the intensity of anger. His Holiness said that once we realise anger is something bad for the community and to one’s own peace of mind, we find the opposite sort of emotion - that's love and kindness or compassion. So we try to increase these opposite power or force.
I’d like to share a few lines from Larry King show when His Holiness went on the show in the year 2000 which His Holiness referred to as a way to train our mind.
DALAI LAMA: Of course, sometimes I got sort of irritations, little sorts of irritations. That happens. But, you see, I always -- as a Buddhist practitioner, I always try to minimize these things. So I think the -- comparatively, you see, these -- by these sort of negative sort of emotions will not -- mustn't disturb my peace of mind. That's -- I'm always trying.
As our meditation (and will power!) is not as strong due to lack of practise, perhaps more practical ways to help us let go is better than just concentrate on meditation at this point.
I recently came across a book, Let It Go: Burn, Bury, Rip, Repeat by Joanna Arettam. It uses simple, fun rituals involving the four elements — fire, water, air, earth — to render negative issues harmless by altering them and releasing them forever. Writing is just the beginning. It introduces methods like tear the written pages out of the book and burn, bury, soak, or scatter them. These rituals help us to let go of the negatives and transform them into positives.
For example, let go of anger by writing a list of things that makes you see red on a "Contract with Earth." Bury the contract in a pot of loamy soil place seeds of a plant that will grow to yield a beautiful flower.
Perhaps we can share what are the ways/our experience of how let go of our anger?
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This is a beautiful thread, although there is another of the same title. But all the comments shared here are different from the ones in the other thread. All most helpful to read, contemplate and recognise that we all have the same mental ailments or afflictions in ourselves.
This is one of the reasons why I love Buddhism so much. IT deals with our mental afflictions and we all share the same afflictions regardless of our backgrounds, culture, gender, belief systems, age, etc. It really proves how similar we all are because EGO is EGO no matter how we dress, label it and whichever country it is residing in.
People in higher positions of authority and power have more of it to deal with, usually. Yet they do not even realise how much their angry minds are creating obstacles to their leadership.
Personally, I think we all have angry minds but knowing how to deal with our own and others' angry minds in a positive and beneficial manner is the true mark of a great individual. Much more so if that person happen to be in a position of power and authority. It is not just limited to spirituality. It covers all aspects of life.
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Anger is the manifestation of something deeper that we are unhappy or unsatisfied about. An insecurity and fear we have inside that we cannot face. All these are like the wheel of sharp weapons returning back to us for the wrong we have done, up until now we have created so much negative karma, we don't even realise and we wonder why we are like so.
End up we hide and cover and hide and cover until there is so many layers then it either
1. Explodes or 2. You become alienated and cold to the world
Either is not good... you can seek professional help or do Mig Tse Ma as Tsongkhapa's practice is really good in healing sick minds like these... there has been proven results that you mind becomes lighter, more pliable/flexible, definitely less anger and less depression.
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Very often we get angry for what I call "no reason"... it is a self defense mechanism which springs up automatically because of all the negative karma we have reaped through many lifetimes. And we wonder at why people tend to think we are bitchy or defensive or just mean.
When this happens we should look inside ourselves and think "why do people actually say this about me?". Surely the people around me cannot be wrong in their assessment and I am the only one that is right!
It is indeed hard to "catch" ourselves from the initial spark of anger but we can always stop in our tracks the moment it happens and just "take the chill pill" so to speak. When others around you look taken aback or just do not know what just happened, perhaps we should take a step back and just count to 10 and start again... I personally find this helps.
I do not think I am an angersome person per se, but I can be downright defensive to the core.... as I want to be right all the time no matter what... sometimes I feel I have the right to say my peace but most times we do not have the opportunity to as our words or actions may have sparked off a domino effect already. So, I trust the "mirrors" around me rather than my deluded mind as I know, it is my action that provokes a reaction!
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The way I understand and experience ANGER is like this:
1.
I feel un-happy, somehow not satisfied.
(this applies to various degrees, it can be that I am depressed, or that I lost money, or that my bike got stolen, or I have physical pain, maybe someone punched me, or I fell from my bike, or I am ill...)
(in fact for sentient beings like us, it is a feeling that is pervading most of the time)
2.
I am ignorant, for I do not look in causes for this un-happiness in me, but I look "outside".
(what food gave me that cancer, who punched me, my father was mean and that is why I am depressed...)
3.
I have identified (erroneously) an object as the cause of my un-happiness.
(the guy who just over-took me on the highway, the colleague who gave me a nasty look, or even an object like my phone which "refuses" to switch on...)
4.
I nurture a mind of retaliation, a mind of anger
("You are going to regret what YOU did to ME!" and we even retaliate to a mobile phone throwing it with rage across the room and stepping on it...)
5.
Anger = the will to hurt someone or even something.
I think that somehow to hurt the guy who just overtook me on the highway will ease my un-happiness and I even dare to think that this will make me happy!
Our thinking is so bias that we even think that murdering someone will bring back our peace of mind.
6.
We act, we hurt, we deceive.
We like it in the moment.
We are "in charge".
We are "in control".
"problem solved!"
Anger = ignorance in motion.
What happens after is:
A. we experience the same thing again (un-happiness), as we created the causes to experience it because of the way we dealt with it.
B. out of habit, we deal with the situation in a similar fashion (anger).
C. eventually it spins out of control, up to a point where we loose our ability to analyse the situation and to develop alternative thinking about the solution to the problem.
Unfortunately, the problem for me is that I realize the above AFTER I have acted...
So part of the solution is to watch our train of thoughts BEFORE we have justified anger in our mind, that is NOT TO IDENTIFY AN OUTSIDE OBJECT as the cause of our pain, loss or suffering, but to recall karma to my mind at that point, to recall the lamrim teachings, to recall my guru's advise too.
And eventually to recognize that the problem is not solve by hurting someone else in retaliation, on the contrary it is made worse.
example:
If I want to get rid of the guy calling me names, I MUST STOP calling him names back.
Then the karma will simply exhaust and this experience will end.
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The other side of the problem with anger is who to deal with angry people, those that have identified US as the cause for their un-happiness?
Those people that take us as their object of retaliation...
How to deal with anger in others???
In the family, at work, in the subway, there are plenty of occasions to experience that.
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The other side of the problem with anger is who to deal with angry people, those that have identified US as the cause for their un-happiness?
Those people that take us as their object of retaliation...
How to deal with anger in others???
In the family, at work, in the subway, there are plenty of occasions to experience that.
It is true that most of us do encounter such people but I must say that we can never avoid all angry people but we can protect our minds from them by contemplating on the Dharma. We cannot cover the whole earth with leather but we can wear shoes to protect our feet. Very cliche but it's true.
If you think of it carefully, there is really no point retaliating. If you have live long enough, you will know for a fact that reacting to angry people don't work. They can hurt you with their words only if you let them. If you think objectively, the reason why people are angersome is because fundamentally they are unhappy inside and their anger is simply a manifestation of their unhappiness. Thinking that way we should develop compassion for them.
On the other hand, we should also take responsibility for being their object of anger. Nothing happens for no reason. We have definitely created the cause for it in the past. Therefore we should be patient in face of such situation thinking that we are purifying our past negative action.
Easier said than done but if we are able to do that, it will do wonders to our spiritual progress!
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The other side of the problem with anger is who to deal with angry people, those that have identified US as the cause for their un-happiness?
Those people that take us as their object of retaliation...
How to deal with anger in others???
In the family, at work, in the subway, there are plenty of occasions to experience that.
It is true that most of us do encounter such people but I must say that we can never avoid all angry people but we can protect our minds from them by contemplating on the Dharma. We cannot cover the whole earth with leather but we can wear shoes to protect our feet. Very cliche but it's true.
If you think of it carefully, there is really no point retaliating. If you have live long enough, you will know for a fact that reacting to angry people don't work. They can hurt you with their words only if you let them. If you think objectively, the reason why people are angersome is because fundamentally they are unhappy inside and their anger is simply a manifestation of their unhappiness. Thinking that way we should develop compassion for them.
On the other hand, we should also take responsibility for being their object of anger. Nothing happens for no reason. We have definitely created the cause for it in the past. Therefore we should be patient in face of such situation thinking that we are purifying our past negative action.
Easier said than done but if we are able to do that, it will do wonders to our spiritual progress!
This rings very true for me... we are masters of our own emotions. If someone is angry AT us, there is always two sides to the coin. Yes they could be angersome but we could have also caused them to be in whatever action or non action we do. At the end of the day, we created the karma for it to happen to us and for that we have to take full responsibility.
I was in an abusive relationship and that was a while back now. When in it, all I can think of was, why me? And that the person was so mean. I loved this person but this was how I am treated? Looking back now, and knowing what I know now, this all came about from my own negative karma ripening. Of course it takes to hands to clap... it is not just the other person, there has to be a contributing element from me too!
I can safely say, I am not angry (anymore) at this person... in fact I often wonder how this person is. I pray the person is well and that some peace has touched this person's life.
I pray no one ever experiences such angersome minds in their lives... ones that manifest into physical anger. But the sad reality is, it happens and we do not even hear of such matters till its too late. Curb that angry mind before we hurt someone we love!
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I pray no one ever experiences such angersome minds in their lives... ones that manifest into physical anger. But the sad reality is, it happens and we do not even hear of such matters till its too late. Curb that angry mind before we hurt someone we love!
And before we hurt someone we hate too?
Because we most likely hurt people we hate...
At least intentionally.
So I guess, working on anger is also working on the compartmentalization we apply to people we love, those we hate and those we could not be bothered with....
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I pray no one ever experiences such angersome minds in their lives... ones that manifest into physical anger. But the sad reality is, it happens and we do not even hear of such matters till its too late. Curb that angry mind before we hurt someone we love!
And before we hurt someone we hate too?
Because we most likely hurt people we hate...
At least intentionally.
So I guess, working on anger is also working on the compartmentalization we apply to people we love, those we hate and those we could not be bothered with....
I think there are once again two sides to this coin. Often through our angersome minds we hurt on what I define as two levels. Neither is better or worse:
1. We hurt the ones we hate. This seems the "logical" thing we do. We hate them anyways so no skin off my nose. It is hence perhaps "easier"!
2. We hurt the ones we love. This may at first thought seem illogical as one may say "why would we hurt the ones we love?". Is this true? More often than not, we do hurt the ones we love... because in a rather sadistic way, hurt is most effective when it is directed at the ones we love. YES we all know that is true. These are the "victims" whose buttons we know how to press. Where it hurts most, etc. Hence the phrase "we often hurt the ones we love". Whether consciencely or subconsciencely is irrelevant as the results are the same... we HURT through ANGER.
Thus... realise our anger, identify from whence our anger arises and most of all curb it!
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I think there are once again two sides to this coin. Often through our angersome minds we hurt on what I define as two levels. Neither is better or worse:
1. We hurt the ones we hate. This seems the "logical" thing we do. We hate them anyways so no skin off my nose. It is hence perhaps "easier"!
2. We hurt the ones we love. This may at first thought seem illogical as one may say "why would we hurt the ones we love?". Is this true? More often than not, we do hurt the ones we love... because in a rather sadistic way, hurt is most effective when it is directed at the ones we love. YES we all know that is true. These are the "victims" whose buttons we know how to press. Where it hurts most, etc. Hence the phrase "we often hurt the ones we love". Whether consciencely or subconsciencely is irrelevant as the results are the same... we HURT through ANGER.
Thus... realise our anger, identify from whence our anger arises and most of all curb it!
So we actually sometimes "hate" those we "love", then hurt them, then "hate" ourselves for hurting them and then "love" them again in a redemptive move?
Un-enlightened love is real hard work actually...
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Everyone seem to know quite a lot about anger, its associated dangers and the importance of dealing with it. But how do we actually deal with it ? I think that for most of us ordinary folks who have not acquired high levels of compassion and wisdom we should not entertain the thought of anger as a powerful energy we can transform to yield beneficial effects.
Shantideva said that anger has no benefits and it's primary function is to destroy all good.
We all know the root cause of anger is ignorance of self grasping. But we cannot deal with anger at its root without high attainments. Perhaps we should look at more realistic practical levels.
What is the immediate cause of anger ? Unhappiness. From our experience, if we are in a good mood, feeling great , even when we encounter criticisms etc anger is not generated as easily. Therefore a key factor in the prevention of anger arising is to try to keep a happy mind always. Thinking positive, learning to forgive, looking at others good points and not focussing on their faults, being sincere and concerned about other's welfare and happiness , being contented where we are, are good practical ways for us to have an open, calm and happy mind which is not disturbed easily. We may have the seed of anger, but we are denying it the conditions for it to grow and to increase its power to cause harm.in the meantime we work towards eradicating it altogether.
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I once heard an amazing psychological Dharmic explanation of an angry person and I will try to recall the explanation here. An angry person is a person who has developed a habitual pattern of not taken responsibility of one's life. The irresponsibility can be manifested in a variety of ways and is willfully repeated over and over again till it becomes deeply ingrained. Alternatively, the person could go through a habitual pattern of escape and never really facing his/her problems.
This obviously would have karmic repercussions including losing friends, inability to complete tasks and work, losing integrity and ultimately a loss of self-esteem. This loss of self-esteem becomes deeper and deeper as the vicious cycle of irresponsibility develops. Irresponsibility will inadvertently lead towards deep-seated anger. Once it reaches this stage, the person becomes like a loose cannon, unable to control his or her anger. There is no immediate solution to anger at this stage. The only way is to control it is with knowledge, self-restraint, vigilance, doing lots of contemplation, Dharma work, Sadhana, soliciting wisdom Dharma Protector like Dorje Shugden and most important of all, taking responsibility and hence, taking charge of one's life back.
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There are many ways to deal with anger. Because Buddhist practice can be applied at many levels, I think a common fault is that we try the methods without preparing our minds well. It is like warming up before the actual exercise. Guarding our sense doors; engaging in purification practices, generating love and bodhi-mind; meditating on emptiness , all are methods that will reduce and eradicate anger. However, one need to be serious to maintain consistency of practice to get the results. For those who are not practitioners , who do not belong to any centre or have a Guru , a practical way to prevent anger arising is to maintain a happy mind throughout the day. When we are happy , in a good mood ,the conditions are not favourable for anger to arise easily.
Although this will not remove the seeds of anger, or able to deal with all adverse situations, if it does not arise it will not cause harm to us and others. It will be easier for us to generate love and other virtues which are opponents of anger and eventually remove it altogether through more advanced practices.
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For those who are not practitioners , who do not belong to any centre or have a Guru , a practical way to prevent anger arising is to maintain a happy mind throughout the day. When we are happy , in a good mood ,the conditions are not favourable for anger to arise easily.
Although this will not remove the seeds of anger, or able to deal with all adverse situations, if it does not arise it will not cause harm to us and others. It will be easier for us to generate love and other virtues which are opponents of anger and eventually remove it altogether through more advanced practices.
I agree with what KG said about preventing anger. However, even for practitioners, it is important to maintain a happy mind at all times. A mind that is stable and happy is able to see things objectively and therefore able to think more rationally and do not succumb to anger easily. Even if anger is still there, it will be controllable. As such it prevents damage arising from anger and with practice, this stable and happy mind facilitates our realization and transformation.
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There are a few people in my life who have an angry mind. I never quite understood why there was so much anger in them until I studied Buddhism from my guru. I began to understand that a person who's angry all the time is suffering a lot. Their expectations in general are usually not met and they hold on to the disappointments. Some how these people are very unhappy with themselves.
So how I usually deal with angry minds is that I show them a lot of care and love and reassuring them that they are good enough. The peaceful approach is most effective in this instance.
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Before we become a Buddha, for sure we will have negative thought and emotion, understanding everything is because of karma and is self created, we have to be mindful when a negative though arises too.
Reciting Tsongkhapa, Manjushri or Shugden Mantra's can help our mind to be focus and aware of what's happening surrounding us. When are awareness increase, we able to notice when a negative mind arises, we able to catch it, observe it, in instead of letting all these thought controlling us.
How fortunate we able to practice Dorje Shugden who is Manjushri himself and a protector of our time to clear our obstacles.
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Inside the mind of an angry person can be an odd place. Many of their minds function on impulse only. They get their bits of excitement from the unknown future while most individuals like to know what is coming. Impulse acts can be quite risky but that’s what is enjoyable about it for some. The same person will often neglect all responsibility and place their focus on controlling the ones around them. If you have any problems with anger, it may be best to stay away from individuals with these tendencies. Surrounding yourself with the right influences can be your first step to recovery. Here are a few things to look for.
• If the person has been in and out of jail, it probably means that they have a problem with authority. That’s a big red flag for anger problems.
• Many people with anger problems can’t keep a spouse around. Steer clear of individuals who are in and out of relationships.
• Look at their hands. Many angry people will have cuts and bruises on their hands from things or people that they have punched.
• If the person you are wanting to date has or has had an issue with drugs or alcohol you may want to take that as a no go, people with dependencies often have more issues with relationships in general than the average person.
• Get to know his or her friends and family. When you see the one’s he or she loves acting in a way that frightens or worries you, respond immediately. Trust your instincts.
• When you notice domination in his or her personality, talk to them about it openly, if you don’t like what they say you may want to break the relationship off.
Most individuals with this level of anger are hopeless. There are no techniques prescribed to master the anger and the realm of these minds. You should stay away from anyone that frightens or worries you. You will know better than anyone how you feel around a certain person. When you don’t feel right about the situation, remove yourself. You should tell the people around you, your family, friends, and coworkers, that you are scared or worried about that person.
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for my personal case, i find that whenever I get angry, it is always because I have a certain fixed view of how something should be and that view is not being met. It is always that. So when I am angry, i try to look out of that box and my anger goes down almost immediately. If it's the mind of another person that is angry i tend to let that person cool down first before I approach that person again and be more gentle with him or her as their minds are currently in a bad state. We can also radiate positive thoughts to them at the same time which works when it comes to calming people down.
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Most of time my anger is come from self-defensive, it arises from my fear, my ego and do not accept what had been told. I know angry is from my mind and sometime i can control and sometime i could not it. However i still working on it as i want to be a happy person.
The Buddha said, “Conquer anger by non-anger. Conquer evil by good. Conquer miserliness by liberality. Conquer a liar by truthfulness.” Working with ourselves and others and our lives in this way is Buddhism. Buddhism is not a belief system, or a ritual, or some label to put on your T-shirt. It’s this.
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Anger cannot be overcome by anger. If a person shows anger to you, and you show anger in return, the result is a disaster. In contrast, if you control your anger and show its opposite--love, compassion, tolerance, and patience--then not only will you remain in peace, but the anger of others also will gradually diminish. No one can argue with the fact that in the presence of anger, peace is impossible. Only through kindness and love can peace of mind be achieved.